Kappe Family News

Funeral Arrangements

2010-12-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

Visitation (Vermeulen Funeral Home, 46401 W. Ann Arbor Rd., Plymouth, MI)

Wednesday 12/29 5-6 pm (Family only); 6-9 pm (open)
Thursday 12/30 2-9 pm (open); Rosary at time TBD

Mass & Funeral (Our Lady of Good Counsel church, North Territorial at Beck Rd., Plymouth, MI)

Friday 12/31: in state 10 a.m.; Mass 10:30 a.m. Funeral at Knollwood Memorial Cemetery (in the chapel) to follow. Return to OLGC for luncheon afterward.

Memorial contributions may be made to PBJ Outreach, Inc. Jeanette was very involved in PBJ for many years and supported their mission of feeding the homeless and underserved of downtown Detroit (see pbjoutreach.org for details.)

Jeanette Kappe 1968-2010

2010-12-28T01:33:00.000-08:00

She's gone.

Jeanette passed away at 1:15 Tuesday morning due to respiratory failure as a complication of her fight with cancer. Funeral arrangements at OLGC still TBD.

Thank you all for your ongoing prayers and support.

Mark

Monday, December 27, 2010

2010-12-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

Hello again, everyone.

Jeanette remains at Angela Hospice, where they have taken very good care of her thus far. She has become comatose and unresponsive except for the occasional mumble or movement, and we have been advised that it won't be long now. The family is maintaining a 24-hour vigil at her side; I usually get the night shift. Our idea is that she shouldn't be alone when she crosses over, although we don't know exactly when that will be.

My thanks to everyone who contributed in any way to the boys' Christmas-- you helped us turn lemons into lemonade and they're in good spirits.

Regards,
Mark

Officially in Hospice

2010-12-22T13:02:00.001-08:00

Thanks to a number of folks at Angela Hospice working hard to pave the way, Jeanette was transferred there this morning (12/22.) We hope that they will be able to keep her comfortable as we go through this final stage of the journey.

Please contact Mark if you wish to arrange to visit her. Visiting hours are 24/7 but Jeanette isn't really capable of conversations at this point and it would really just be a brief hello and goodbye. I would absolutely not recommend children visit, either, as it may be uncomfortable for them (it was uncomfortable for Jesse, who is 16, and I haven't even tried with Michael.)

Thanks as always for everything all of you have done for us.

mark

Sunday December 19, 2010

2010-12-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

Mark here, blogging from the ER at St. Mary Mercy where Jeanette was just admitted after another seizure. She's being admitted and is unlikely to return home again as she's now in hospice care.

More info when it's available.

Mark

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

2010-12-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

Jeanette was readmitted to Oakwood hospital Monday afternoon with probable dehydration after constant nausea prevented her from keeping much food or drink down. They've administered an IV and her fluid levels are improving. She'll likely stay there at least a few days.

The ambulance ride was no fun as we drove past dozens of spin-outs on the frozen freeways. Great job by the Oakwood HealthLink EMT guys.

More info as it becomes available.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers!
Mark

Saturday, December 12th, 2010

2010-12-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

Great news... Jeanette's back home!

Having recovered from surgery, the docs saw no further reason to keep her there. We will still need to return every weekday for 2 weeks for daily radiation therapy-- and that's going to make her hair fall out again--but we're just happy to have her home.

Please call before visiting. We need to limit visitation but of course Nette wants to see everyone as best she can.

Thanks to everyone for your continued well-wishes, prayers and deliveries of pasta. :)

Mark

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

2010-12-08T07:59:00.000-08:00

Hello, all, Mark writing again. Happy holidays.

Jeanette has had a couple surgeries over the last week and a half to deal with a problem of fluid building up in her brain. The surgeries have been successful and she has been transferred out of ICU to a normal bed in the hospital.

She is, however, still enduring a lot of pain and on a lot of meds. We're just looking at this point to keep her as pain-free as possible.

I can provide more detail for those who are interested via the new email address, thekappefamily (at sign) gmail.com. I'll try to be prompt.

Thanks to all of you for your outpouring of good wishes and prayers, they help a lot.

Mark

Monday November 29, 2010

2010-11-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hello, all. Mark reporting again.

First off, Jeanette is back in the hospital (Oakwood this time.) She was already in the process of being admitted to try and troubleshoot an ongoing nausea issue when she had a seizure. Turns out excessive pressure due to a buildup of fluid around the brain was to blame for the nausea AND the seizure. She's in Intensive Care and is not fully conscious, so the doctors are only permitting immediate family at this time.

Lindsay has created a new email address, thekappefamily@gmail.com to give folks a place to ask questions.

More as it becomes available.

-Mark

November 23, 2010

2010-11-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone, Mark here. Terribly sorry that we haven't updated the blog in so long.

Jeanette went into the hospital again in the first week of November for a blood clot in her leg and for leg weakness issues. The leg weakness appears to be due to neuropathy (damage to the nerves) leading from her spine to the legs; basically, the commands to move her legs aren't getting through.

She was transferred this week to a physical therapy / rehab location in Canton. They can provide a more comprehensive workout regimen to get strength back in her legs, along with the benefit of being much, much closer to home. No ETA on how long she'll stay there but it's a short term facility (100 days or less.)

We'd like to thank all the folks who have continued to pray and send good wishes to our family. We've also been the recipients of great kindness from many people including meals, house cleaning and much more-- thank you all!

-Mark, Jeanette and the boys

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

2010-03-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone, Mark here to create an entry for Jeanette.

Jeanette was re-admitted to the hospital this morning. She should be there a couple of days. The problem was two-fold: 1), nausea and diarrhea due to the new chemotherapy she's on, and 2) back and hip pain dating back to a fall a couple weeks ago.

They've temporarily discontinued the chemo, which will solve problem #1. Problem #2, it turns out, was due to a fractured pelvis discovered during an x-ray. Other than bedrest and pain medication, there's not much they can do for the pelvis, it will heal on its own. As for the chemo, check back soon and we'll have an update.

Please continue to keep Jeanette in your prayers. Thanks.

Mark

Saturday, February 14th, 2010

2010-02-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

My dear friends,

Mark is typing for me once again.

I ended up staying in the hospital until Tuesday. I took every test under the sun. I am halfway through my ten day radiation stint; they are radiating the spine. I'm very happy to be home from the hospital.

When we first got to the hospital, we were put in the "express admissions" area of the Emergency Room, but it still took six hours to get a bed. The hospital is a scary place for me because of the constant testing and waiting for results.

Although I am not a morning person, I have to leave for radiation at 6:45 a.m. every morning. The actual radiation takes two minutes, and doesn't hurt at all. I haven't noticed any improvement yet in my hand function, but I am hopeful.

Another bit of good news is that the MRI they took of my brain came back clear. Everyone in the family was delighted to hear that news.

I meet with my doctor on Monday to discuss chemotherapy changes.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Jeanette & Family

Friday, February 5th, 2010

2010-02-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

My dear friends,

Once again, Mark is typing for me. Had a PET scan today because of the loss of the use of my left hand, and the beginning of the loss of the use of my right. Now they want to admit me to the hospital for more tests. I'm very scared, please pray for me.

(Mark's note: Jeanette's modified list of medications has enabled her to sleep much better than before, but solving the problem with the elbow pain didn't do anything to resolve the numbness and loss of function, so that is now our target. The doctor conservatively expects her to be admitted and remain in the hospital around 5 days. He's being very aggressive with treating this problem.)

Love,
Jeanette
(and Mark)

Monday, November 2, 2009

2009-11-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

My dear friends,

Sorry I haven't updated in a long time. Let me think about where we left off... I believe last time I wrote, we discussed my taking a morphine patch for the pain. That didn't turn out so well. About 18 hours after I slapped it on, I started feeling queasy at work. I decided to leave at home, but on a whim took a plastic garbage bag into the car with me. Good thing, because within a few minutes I had to pull off to the side of the road and barf my guts out. Luckily, Mark works very close and was able to rescue me (yet again!) and take me home. Needless to say, I have changed to pill form, which seems to be working well.

As far as tests go, I had a good heart test. I need to score at least a 50 on my Injection Fraction and I scored between 55 and 60, so the heart is holding its own. My bone scan, however, was 'ambiguous.' It showed 8 to 10 areas of improvement, but 2 new areas of concern. My doctor says she will scan me again in December.

I have not gotten up the courage to get my lung X-ray yet.

Oh, by the way, I had my first blood transfusion. My hemoglobin was very low, so they scheduled me to take 2 units of blood. It revived me right away. I had been tired and weak, because I'm still not sleeping well, but the weakness went away after the transfusion. I felt kind of weird, like "dirty", because I had someone else's blood in me, but I like to think of that person as a kindhearted soul who helped me and the feeling passed. The hemoglobin is dipping again slightly, I feel this is because I'm not sleeping well and it restores when I sleep.

Regarding my pinched nerves, they are still pinched. They're being pretty nasty to me. I have chickened out on two MRIs so now we're talking about a "sedation MRI" where they knock me out, so the claustrophobia doesn't take over. I was quite disappointed with myself for being scared.

That's about it. I continue to go to chemo every Monday. Please continue to pray for me, especially for my left hand, which I have begun to lose the use of.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, September 21, 2009

2009-09-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

My dear friends,

The oncologist entered the exam room holding my thick chart and shaking her head.

"This is not good," she said.

My heart sank.

"What? What did you find?" I asked, in a panic.

"You haven't seen me in a year!"

"You scared me! DON'T DO THAT!" I replied.

After going over the standard medical questions, we discussed my continuing arm pain, for which she has prescribed a morphine patch and Vicoprofen, a vicoden/ibuprofen combination. She was not pleased that the nurse had prescribed so much Tylenol 3 (and 4) for which she scolded the nurse later.

The oncologist did, however, refer to me as "a miracle."

I will be scheduled for my routine bone scan, heart test, and chest X-ray so please pray for me.

I see the neurologist on the 30th and we will discuss options to hopefully solve my arm pain, which continues in both arms. The pain was so bad this weekend that I went to bed Sunday morning at 4 a.m., although the next day was a little better. I attribute this to tension about my upcoming visit to the oncologist.

That's about it for now... thanks again to Mark for being my typist.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, August 31, 2009

2009-08-31T18:14:00.000-07:00

My dear friends,

Once again I'm having Mark type for me. Still having trouble with the pinched nerve in my left arm; now the right one is hurting as well. Haven't done my MRI yet; put it off for two months and now the radiologist is talking to the neurologist about which part they're going to scan. Apparently the neurologist chose too many places in the arm and has to pick one.

Kind of tired today because it was the three-chemo day, and I have not been sleeping well at all. Sorry to bum everybody out.

Please pray for me.
Love, Jeanette

Sunday, 12 July 2009

2009-07-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

No change in the arm. Been taking the anti-nerve pain pill. It's not helping too much. Will go up to a slightly higher dose.

I was hurting a bit more than usual yesterday due to tension. It's an amusing situation, really.

We went to the airport to pick up my eldest's German friend, who will be staying with us for a couple weeks. Mark and our youngest waited in the car, moving on occasion when the cops made him.

We waited for two hours after the plane landed. People came trickling down the hall from Customs, a few Arabs walked with literally a cart full of suitcases each! If I packed all the clothes I own, it wouldn't take up that many suitcases. We figured it was taking Customs forever to go through all that stuff.

The area was practically cleared out, everyone having picked up their loved ones and departed. Still no sign of his friend.

Finally, we saw him coming towards us, flanked by a U.S. Customs official on each side. Looked like big trouble.

The older gentleman explained to me that he had been detained for "prohibited agricultural goods", not being honest with Customs and not knowing our address! They had confiscated the prohibited German sausages from his suitcase and told me that since he's a juvenile, they would not charge me the $300 fine! They released him to my custody.

WTF?

Mark later said. "Thank God they're protecting us from those dangerous German sausages!"

As we were walking to the car, the kid goes "Those were good sausages, too."

The irony was that Mark and I had separately joked that he was taking so long because he'd been caught smuggling sausages!

Oh well. They're all having fun now. I decided it's the boys' job to amuse our guest and my job is just to feed him, so I'm not going to worry about anything.

Please continue to pray for my arm.

Love,
Jeanette

Mon, June 29, 2009

2009-06-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

My dear friends,

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a while. Due to the pinched nerve in my arm, I can't type, so I'm asking my wonderful husband to take dictation.

Went to an acupuncturist twice last week; he stretched my neck to the point of tears. I was encouraged after the first visit, because I immediately saw my chiropractor afterwards and briefly regained feeling in my fourth finger on my left hand (the pinky and 4th finger have been numb for some time.) On Friday he accidentally struck a vein in the back of my hand (not good with lymphedema!) and he said I no longer have a pinched nerve in my neck... so he doesn't understand my continued pain and numbness. I feel like he blew me off after that.

Today, I saw a neurologist. She was very thorough, an older lady so I hope she has a lot of experience. She wants to do more testing, including an MRI, on my arm. She gave me some Lyrica and Lidocaine patches. I'm continuing to take the Tylenol-3.

I'm pretty bummed that this is taking so long to heal. I'm not sleeping well, which is contributing to my depressed mood.

Nothing new on the cancer front; please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 21 May 2009

2009-05-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

After several well-deserved scoldings from various parties, including some former catechism teaching associates I ran into in a restaurant last week AND my in-laws just now, here I am.

Nothing new on the cancer front. Maintaining.

The elbow is still a problem. The laser thing didn't pan out. It didn't help that I worked (and typed) major hours during tax season. My record was a 52-hour week, including two days off for chemo & recovery.

Last week I got a steroid shot and a diminishing quantity pill-pack. Felt better the first couple days but was back in pain as the dose reduced.

Between my last post and now were a lot of sleepless nights with a huge ice pack on my arm and upper back. There were many hours of pacing, tears, and wasteful TV-watching to take my mind off the pain.

Ended up on Tylenol-3. A couple times, I needed two of them every 4 hours. The nurses didn't know how I was able to stay awake after one!

Everyone knows I hate taking pills so this has been a real bummer.

For the past week, I have been on prednisone, another steroid. I have been able to reduce my Tylenol-3 intake in the past couple days. I think I took only two or three pills total yesterday and a couple today.

I think the arm needs total rest. It's starting to feel OK when I wake up but hurts when I start moving around. Reminds me of thhe carpal tunnel issues I had 14 years ago.

When I get tense and angry, I get shooting pains in my hand. My last two fingers have some numbness & tingling. Because of overuse, my right elbow is startng to hurt.

The steroid shot my white blood cells sky high... to 26! (They're supposed to be between 4 and 10, I think.) Asked for a blood test today. Will find out tomorrow if I even need to take my weekly blood-cell boosting shot.

Gotta go. Hard to type with one hand. Had a billion typos.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

2009-03-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Since I am still not sleeping and it's wearing me down, my neighbor recommended I go to her chiropractor for laser light treatments on my arm.

He said it's not tennis elbow, as he pressed where tennis elbow would be and it did not hurt.

He did find a few places in my arm that DID make me jump out of my skin. He said it's nerve entrapment.

So he put a few dots on me and his assistant lasered those areas. The thing looked like a thin flashlight with a cord. She touched the dots on various settings and I was done. Took like half an hour. He had also dug into my arm and stretched the wrist. They also zapped my carpal tunnel.

My arm feels at least 50% better! The carpals are still unhappy but we'll work on that. I'll be darned.

As we were leaving, the door was too heavy for my bad arm so I asked my youngest to open it. He pushed it open by leaning his back up against it. He was having pain before he even made it to the car.

We spent the entire evening in the emergency room. (Mark came straight from work and met us there.) No hernia, just a sprained abdominal muscle and a lotta Mommy guilt. I felt so bad.

As we were sitting in the emergency room, my oldest revealed he had torn his own left arm up on the nearby playground just before we left for the hospital. He fell off a swing from being pushed too high and fell onto the gravel below. He begged his father not to tell me because of all the stess with the younger one.

When I saw his arm, I exclaimed, "Jesus, God in Heaven!"

I made Mark take him to the bathroom to clean him up and apply Neosporin from my purse. He's OK, I guess, some gauze wrapping and bandages`later.

The younger one's pain had subsided to zero by the time we left the hospital.

What a day! I gotta get some sleep. It's 11pm.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Sat, 14 March, 2009

2009-03-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your prayers.

The bone scan was good. No new areas of concern.

I was an absolute basketcase trying to track down my results but I did it from work yesterday afternoon. One of my wonderful friends gave me a hug to calm me down.

I was up and showered by 6am for work today. (Darn tennis elbow is still depriving me of sleep.)

I took two ibuprofens, planned to lie down for "just a second" and woke up again at 9am! Oh well, I needed the sleep and now I feel great! (Awake.)

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 11 March 2009

2009-03-11T05:14:00.001-07:00

My Dear Friends,

OK, this blog is doing something weird. Tried to post how freaked out I am, how I should've asked for a chill pill, and the blog said I had a "malformed request"! The nerve.

Looked at my Sept 10, 08 posting. Feeling all the same things.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 11 March 2009

2009-03-11T05:10:00.000-07:00

Monday, 9 March 2009

2009-03-09T05:15:00.001-07:00

My Dear Friends,

My mind is playing tricks on me. I have a routine bone scan on Wednesday. Now I'm dreaming about doctors and nurses giving me bad news about spreading.

Other than throwing my back out last week (reaching for a towel!)I feel fine. I hope the back doesn't show up badly on the scan.

This is so scary. I am still not used to it.

I had a good heart test a couple weeks ago, thank God.

As I was sitting and waiting, I had started to feel sorry for myself. Then they wheeled in a woman who was bandaged from her fingertips to her elbows, a burn victim. When the indelicate technician asked "What happened to you?", all I could make out was the word "grease". I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I could not bring myself to cry in front of this brave woman.

The upcoming bone scan is weighing heavily on my heart. I just want a normal life. I just want to live. I had a pang of jealousy at work when a payroll service rep was talking to someone about being pregnant with her third child. A normal life.

I am also worried because I promised God I'd meke two quilts for the homeless after my last positive bone scan but I've only made one. I'm afraid he'll zap me now. I hope to go buy some clothing on sale to donate & make up for it.

Not sleeping well. Have a wicked case of tennis elbow from using the cane too much.

I guess that's all my complaints for now. :)

Today I get the results of my (nervewracking) monthly comprehensive blood test. They always take it around the 1st.

Please pray for me ... again.

Love,
Jeanette

Sunday, 1 February 2009 3:15am

2009-02-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

My brother David (age 38) was found dead in his home a few hours ago. Arrangements are pending.

Please keep him and our family in your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

2009-01-20T04:13:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I have received a scolding from across the Atlantic for not posting in a long time. My friend in Spain IM'd Mark.

Nothing has changed. I get nervous on the first of every month when they do a more comprehensive blood test. This month's test was better than last, so I'm maintaining.

The nurse said that yesterday I started my 18th (4 week) cycle of this chemo. I am trying to remain positive.

I'm still taking my vitamins: a multi-vitamin, calcium for my bones, Vitamin E for my veins, milk thistle for the liver and lately, a Vitamin C. Mark has a cold and I caught it two days ago, despite being anal about wiping down railings and doorknobs. Since yesterday was a 3-chemical chemo, with the cold on top of it, I don't feel very well today. It will pass, though.

I'm up for my routine heart test so I need to go make an appt for that.

Gained some weight but it's hard to take walks for exercise in the winter. I'm afraid of falling om a slippery sidewalk...although I wiped out coming upstairs last night after a bathroom break at 3am. Thought I was on the top step but had one more to go. We've all done that. Mark jumped out of bed to collect me. I'm OK.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

2008-11-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I've been worrying about the blood test for liver enzymes for a month.

On a friend's advice, I did call my second opinion guy. Spoke to his physician's assistant. She said they don't worry about the alkaline phosphatase until it reaches 200. It was 132. She said it picks up any activity in the bones.

I thought about what I'd changed since a few months ago when it began slowly creeping up. I had been taking my Neupogen shots for white blood cells on Thurs and Saturday instead of Wednesday & Friday. Before my test last week, I made sure to take them on Weds & Fri.

Yesterday, I got last week's results: I scored 117, so it went down. The LD, whatever that is, went up 10 points but the nurse said that could be from environmental factors.

I'm trying to relax now.

Had a couple craft shows lately but didn't do as well as last year due to the economy.

Kinda tired today. Had chemo yesterday.

Thank you for your continued prayers and words of support.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 16 October 2008

2008-10-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

In the past few weeks, I've been worried about my recent blood tests. My liver enzymes are going up. In the past, that meant the cancer was on the move again in the bones. I'm freaking out because I just had a good bone scan last month. The enzymes have been slowly climbing in the past few months and this month they went over the high end of normal. When I asked the nurse what they'd do, she said either watch it or possible CT scan.

I don't know how long I can keep doing this. Every time something goes wrong, I think it's the beginning of the end. Sooner of later this cancer will get me. It doesn't help that it's "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. I can't listen to the radio, turn on the TV or get on the Internet without hearing about cancer.

Somewhere along the line, I lost all positive thoughts. I was always scared and freaked out but I used to occasionally be able to tell myself "I'm not gonna worry about that today". Once I even gave it to God. I wish I could do that again. Worrying about pain and dying are not getting me anywhere. I still feel trapped in my situation, wondering why this happened, and feeling helpless.

I had the nurse's aide fax my results to my second opinion guy. She wants me to make an appointment to see my first oncologist but I'm still afraid of her. I don't ever want to go to her again, I just haven't told them that yet.

Too scared to call the second opinion guy for his thoughts. Been putting it off all week.

I still plan to share with you the "Things I'm Thankful for" journal but don't feel up to it today.

Please pray for me...again!

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 15 September 2008

2008-09-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I'm still shell shocked from last week.

I did it again, freaked out prematurely. The bone scan was good. It actually showed slight improvement.

Maybe I should freak out in my personal journal instead of on line. I have started an additional journal, writing three things per day that I am thankful for. Maybe I will share that soon.

As for treatment, they will keep me on my current program. Maybe I'll write more later. Had three chemicals today. Kinda chemo'd out right now.

Thank you for your prayers. Sorry for stressing you out.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 11 Sept 2008

2008-09-11T04:20:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Today I am really scared. Will probably get the test results by tomorrow. They only scanned me once. Usually, they'll take a couple more pictures of certain areas like the chest or lower back to get a better idea of what's going on. This time they did not. I assume it was like,"Whoa! Guess we don't need more shots of her!"

Been reading the side effects of Xeloda, my next probable drug. They will probably couple it with Tykerb.

I am so scared. Everyone tells me how brave I am. In truth, I'm a coward. I just want to live. I'm afraid of the pain of dying.

I have pain in my left lower back today. Already put the ice pack on it and took some ibuprofen. Not sure if it's tension or cancer. Maybe both? Still some pain in my ribs on the right lower.

Not sure how much longer I can do this emotionally. I hate when I cry in front of the kids. I should be strong for them.

Looked at my horoscope today, although I don't believe in that stuff. Grasping at straws now. It said to focus on quality of life, be wary and cautious! Nice. That didn't make me fel any better!

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

2008-09-10T04:30:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog any more, but if you do, please pray for me today.

Bone scan days are always the hardest. I'm a nervous wreck. The heart test is also today. The second opinion doctor says even if it turns out bad, they have other chemo to give me.

These are my fears:

It will turn out badly.
They'll find it has spread in my spine.
They will need to give me a horrific bone marrow test.
The new chemo will make me very sick every single day.
I'll get all skinny and gross.
The new chemo will not help.
I'm afraid of dying, of being alone because everyone I love is here.
Two people I know have died this past month. I'm afraid of being the third.
I'm afraid of dying a slow and painful death.
I'm afraid of going to hell.

This morning I woke up with a pain in my chest. It has not gone away. Been having a sore lower right back lately and some pains in my ribs. This is probably not psychological, although my mind does not help.

I feel trapped. I just want my life back. I want to live.

I saw my oldest start high school last week, praise God. I just want to live a long and healthly life.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if life is like a play. If we take the part and have to live it without any changes. Was I meant to get cancer from the day I was born? What were my other role choices? Would I have taken this role, of having wonderful friends and a great family, of having great neighbors and a house I like, knowing that I would die young of a terrible disease?

The answer is yes because I love you all.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 14 August 2008

2008-08-14T04:24:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Nothing new on the health front. I am supposed to visit my second opinion guy this coming Tuesday. I have no test results for him, except a blood test showing my sugar was a little low.

The big adventure is on the home front. This past Saturday, I had gone out for a rare dinner with the girls. We'd planned it for two months. Dinner took too long and we would miss our movie so we decided to head back home, take a walk and just watch a DVD.

I skipped the walk and hung out with my boys at home, hoping to join the girls later. I was sitting in my living room, joking and laughing with my boys. The dishwasher was on. Suddenly I heard water running in the kitchen.

"What's that?" I got up to look.

Water was pouring from my ceiling light fixtures!

Mark had followed me to look.

"The bathroom!" I yelled.

Mark ran, taking the steps three at a time. I hobbled after him, in time to see water pouring from the upstairs toilet. There was about an inch of water on the floor and it had started spilling out onto the hall carpet. The threshold under the door did prevent most of it from going into the hall.

Mark waded through the water and scrambled to contain the situation, ending up shutting off the water. Jesse found a bucket to catch water in the kitchen.

What a disaster! Turned out to be a clogged toilet and my eldest owned up to it. The toilet was defective, however, as the water is just supposed to rise and not continue running!

We figure it was running for two hours before we noticed. The water had even made it to the basement! We shut off the circuit breaker and removed the kitchen light fixtures. Mark began the mop up.

I called the insurance company. They got ServiceMaster out here the next day to try to resolve the situation. They brought seven industrial fans and three gigantic dehumidifiers, cutting two large holes in my kitchen ceiling.

On Monday, they ripped the entire ceiling out!

I lived in a wind tunnel all week. The equipment was loud! And I don't even want to see my electric bill! It got up to 89 degrees in the house at one point, as they had also placed a heater to help dry out the ceiling.

They checked in every day. I was hoping they would get rid of the noise. Yesterday, they finally removed the equipment from the kitchen and basement.

Ahh, the sound of silence!

The bathroom tile is still wet, they said. They put the heater and a sucking mat in the bathroom. The mat is supposed to suck the water out of the tile. Yes, it's loud, too. We keep the door closed, as they said it will reach 115 degrees in there.

The insurance company will send us a contractor to replace the kitchen ceiling.

The good news is that they took $166 off our $500 deductible because Mark shut off the water and mopped the floor. (We'll take it!)

So that's been our adventure this week.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

2008-07-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

The past two months, I've been coasting in that happy place between major medical tests. I will probably have more scheduled in August, as it's been three or four months. Trying hard (and failing) not to think about that.

Gained some weight. Bummer. Eating dark chocolate makes me feel better although it doesn't really solve anything.

Trying to take walks more frequently. I need to get back in the swimming pool but it might displace too much water. :)

Feeling pretty much OK. Still have my hair. Fell twice last month, once in front of a fruit market (didn't notice the downward slope of the ramp as I approached it from the side) and once at work on the doormat. Luckily, I landed on different knees. When I stumble, my right leg does not get the message to move out to steady me. Down I go. No permanent damage (this time).

My biggest problem is emotional. I am constantly judging myself on how I spend my time, constantly trying to look into the future to see how long I have. Somehow, I've lost my focus on today. Not sure how to get it back. If I spend time cleaning, doing chores, writing, making something (quilting) for a family member, being with friends or hugging my babies, that's time well-spent. I berate myself for any time spent in front of the TV (unless I'm doing something else, like sewing on a Boy Scout patch) at the time. I do not allow myself to nap during the day no matter how much I need it...and I stay up late. The problem is, I stay up late watching TV after the kids go to bed, fall asleep on the couch at 11:30pm then wake up at 1:30am to go to bed. This is not restful. I feel that if I go to bed at 10:30pm, which would probably be good for me to do, I have wasted hours of my life. Yet TV is wasteful. You see the vicious circle.

Enough of that babbling.

My eldest is hiking in New Mexico with the Boy Scouts. He came back from 3 weeks in Germany, stayed home for 10 days, then left on his NM adventure. I tell them to have adventures while they're young. Maybe some time away is good. He's a teenager now and knows everything.

My littlest baby will be 9 years old this week...and the eldest will be 14 in September and is starting high school! Thank God I have lived to see this.

Mark is great. He's teaching the little one how to play baseball now, although soccer is still #1.

Please continue to pray for us.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 2 June 2008

2008-06-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Another one bites the dust. My nurse told me today that Ron, the guy battling pancreatic cancer, passed away a week or so ago. God rest him. It always hits home when it's someone you know.

My family and I walked in the Komen Detroit Race for the Cure on Saturday. There were 30,000 people in attendance. 1,500 were survivors. We did the mile walk. I later read in the paper that a 13 year-old girl won the 5K run. Pretty cool.

I was paying attention to the slogans on all the different team shirts. My favorite was "Don't slack. Check your rack."

No news on the health front for me.

My oldest graduates from 8th grade this week. Thank God I have lived this long.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 1 May 2008

2008-05-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

My mistake. I thought I could only blog on our broken computer upstairs. (Before the blog website was taken over by another company, I could only blog on the special login page Mark created.) Anyway, the computer's button is stuck in the "on" position but it doesn't turn on. I promise I will blog more frequently now that I can write from the laptop while sitting on the couch.

The Cliff Notes version is that all is well. I'm maintaining.

Maybe it's good that I haven't written in a while. Saved you the rollercoaster ride. I've been in some dark places and you're lucky I didn't take you with me.

For about two months, I was convinced it had (God forbid) spread to my brain. I was having blurred and double vision in my left eye. It started in the middle of tax season. It was fine in the morning, if I cried or if I closed my eyes for a while. When I got to work, it was really bad. I didn't mention it to my nurses, as I was afraid of another CT Scan.

I was afraid for a long time. When I couldn't take it any more, i followed up with the eye doctor. If he had found nothing, I would've had another scan. But he did find something: blepharitis. Chronic dry eye! I have a dry spot in the center of my vision, he said. He gave me eye drops and told me to blink more often. It'll get better but will probably come back on and off. Once I paid attention, I realized I pretty much stare at the computer without blinking. I was very relieved he was able to pinpoint the problem. I cannot tell you how nervous and terrified I had been.

During tax season I strted having some pains that made me schedule a bone scan. The nurses were really worried about me, as they know by now that I avoid seeing the doctor unless I absolutely have to.

So I had a bone scan and a 2D Echo (heart test) on April 17th. In chemo the following Monday, I asked for the results. The nurses pulled the results and set them on the counter with their back to me.

"That's not good," one said.

I was sitting in the chair, still attached to the IV. I was so scared, my torso started to go numb and tingle.

"Those are my results, aren't they?" I asked.

"Yes."

The nurse told me the bone scan was OK. No new areas, but the existing areas looked "hotter" and had more activity. They explained this could be the "flare up phenomenon" or even healing. As long as there were no new areas, we'd stay on the same chemo.

The heart test was another story. In order to stay on Herceptin, my ejection fraction (the outward pumping volume of the heart) needs to be at 50% or more. The 2D Echo showed a range of 45-50%. I needed to see a cardiologist and take a MUGA test, where they inject a radioactive isotope into your blood and watch it pump through your heart for an exact number.

Saw the cardiologist last week. She put me on Coreg to strengthen the heart pending the MUGA results.

I'll spare you the details of how the nuclear medicine tech student dug around in my arm to find a vein. Luckily, I have a rapport with another tech since I've been there so frequently. He's pretty cool and he ran the actual test so I was confident it would be done right.

He said he wouldn't tell me the results of the test, but that he ran the numbers six times and never got under 50!

Called today for the result. It was 57%. Guess the tech that ran the 2DEcho a couple weeks ago was incompetent. Nothing like being injected with radioactive isotopes unnecessarily.

My cardiologist is out til next Wednesday and her associates wanted her to decide about the heart medicine. I'll decide for her. I'll stop taking it. I'm on enough chemicals already and I wouldn't be on it anyway.

So that was the health rollercoaster.

The other bad thing that bummed me out was that I had an opportunity to take a trip to Europe that I've always wanted. I've been there three times already... the South of France in college and Italy twice when I worked for SupplyTech, the software company. I've never seen Paris, though. So this opportunity fell through and I was inconsolable for days.

A fellow (former) chemo patient just had a seizure and found the cancer has spread to her brain. She has a three year old son. Life is short.

I may go to France anyway.

Thank you for your continued prayers and please pray for my friend.

Love,
Jeanette

Friday, 22 Feb 2008

2008-02-22T05:35:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Just wanted to write a quick little note. I usually remember blogging in the morning before work but never have time.

Guess I'm doing OK, maintaining. I look normal because my hair is in a cute style. I fear that it will fall out. I think it's happening slowly. My eyebrows and eyelashes are getting sparse. I feel less hair on my head when I wash it but it's still enough to look normal. For now. Still going to chemo every Monday.

No new tests or anything.

Trying to pretend I'm having a normal life. It's tax season so I'm really busy at work. Cancer is like the 800 lb gorilla in the room. I'm trying to ignore it but it's on my mind all the time. I wish I could have my life back. When I look at an old picture of me, I don't even know who that girl is...

Tired lately. My red blood cells are low but still not low enough to get a shot under the new insurance rules. Been hovering at just above the shot level for about a month. The low end of normal is 11. I've been 10.2. Shots are given at 9.9, I guess.

Read in the Wall Street Journal yesterday that one injection they give me (Heparin) when they use my port, is made from pig intestines in dirty Chinese factories! Eeeww!

Gotta go to work.

Please continue to pray for me. WHile you're at it, please pray for my fellow patients Ron and Susan.

Love,
Jeanette

PS: Linz laughed at a comment I made when I walked into the empty chemo room on Monday morning. I asked the nurse,"So did everybody croak this weekend or am I just the first one here?' :) You gotta laugh. It's all too scary. :)

Weds. 23 Jan 2008

2008-01-23T05:53:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Got myself all worked up again. My spine was glowing like a Christmas tree on that scan.

They finally gave me the results yesterday. It was good! No new areas of cancer. Remember we seek healing or to maintain. I have maintained. So I have another reprieve, praise God.

Thank you for all your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

2008-01-16T04:41:00.001-08:00

My Dear Friends,

My next bone scan is Friday.
Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Sat, 5 Jan 2008

2008-01-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Happy New Year! In a couple days, I will be 40. Unlike most people, I am very happy to be getting older. Beats the alternative!

Right now, I am very tense, though. My bone scan is coming up. Will probably be this coming week, not sure exactly which day yet.

I've been feeling well. Just getting over a sinus infection. Skipped chemo on Christmas Eve because who wants to feel sick on Christmas Eve? I did go on New year's Eve, though. I have been having a couple twinges of pain in the past two weeks. I hope I didn't screw everything up by skipping a week. Then again, tension makes everything hurt as well.

Last time, I had promised to write about my meeting with the priest. One thing he said disturbed me. He didn't believe that everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen, he said. Personally, I'd like to believe God has a plan for each of us. The priest also seemed to really value suffering. He said I'm sitting on a treasure chest of powerful prayers if I "join my suffering to Christ on the cross". This is a fancy way of rewording the old Catholic adage of "offering it up for your sins".

I mentioned that my main concern is for my children. The priest said they're not mine, they're children of God. I agree they're children of God but beg to differ about the detachment he expects me to feel. He doesn't have kids so I feel he has no idea the love a mother has for a child she bore.

He gave me a tiny crucifix blessed by Pope John Paul II, which is fine. Something tangible to hold onto, I guess.

I wish I could just "give it to God" and relax, riding that wave and knowing He will take care of everything.

Mark and I finally met with a lawyer yesterday to start our wills. Been meaning to do that since FOREVER. I only broke down once, which surprised Mark because he thought I'd be a mess. I started crying when appointing Linz as my secondary medical decision-maker, after Mark. I thought it would be just too hard for my parents, although I trusted they would've done the right thing also.

To most people, making a will is this nebulous, someday thing. For me it's real and now. That's what's upsetting.

I'm still feeling trapped in my situation, and helpless. I did everything in life to avoid getting cancer and it hit me anyway. I expect that freaks other people out, too. If it happened to me, it can hit anyone.

Maybe I should take up meditation.

Work isn't going well, either. I did work a few days in the middle of December but my boss just called yesterday to tell me all my stuff is on a cart because they're giving another guy my desk. While I fully understand he wants to sit in a quieter part of the building, my boss did not mention IF I have another spot! Bummer! She had mentioned sending me on a small audit last week, to which I agreed, but the client never called her back. She claims she's trying to "scare up some work for me".

Had another snafu with Rite-Aid. Tried to renew my Neupogen for white blood cells, which I've been on for like two years. Suddenly they need a "prior authorization" from the insurance company! So someone at a desk get to decide if I stay healthy. They didn't do this in time for my Friday dose so who knows what my white cells will be on Monday? If I get sick, a hospital stay will be like $25,000 instead of shelling out the $2,000 or so for a month's supply. Dummies. :)

Please continue to pray for me that I have health and peace of mind. Know that I ask for God's blessing on my family and friends every night before I go to sleep.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 17 December 2007

2007-12-17T03:58:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

First of all, I had gone to the opthalmologist for my blurred vision. After a bunch of tests, he decided I had a dry left eye and gave me some drops. My vision cleared up in a couple days. I can't help thinking there was more to it than that.

I am due for a bone scan but am keeping my mouth shut.

My red blood cells were low last week, only 9.6. Normal is 11 to 14, I think. They used to give me a shot of Procrit to boost the cells if they were in the 10.something range but a new insurance rule disallows the shot until it's under 10. The Wall Street Journal had an article recently about how cancer patients were mad they have to feel tired all the time because of this new rule. As for me, I decided to wait another week to see if my cells come up. I had been less than diligent in taking my iron pills the previous week.

The thing that is weighing most heavily on my mind is that I need to find a job. The firm has not given me any work since Nov 2nd. I call every Monday and am told there is nothing. It's hard to stay home because my mind concentrates on my situation. It's better to be distracted by a few good tax returns.

I am nervous this morning, as it's Monday. Chemo is on Mondays. You'd think after two years of Monday chemo and over four years of this cancer business, I'd get used to it. You never get used to it.

On a brighter note, let me share a story. It was last Monday. The kids and I went to CVS to buy some hygeine items for the homeless ministry at our church. The Cub Scouts each had to put these items in a shoebox with a hat and gloves, to be distributed in Downtown Detroit before Christmas. I was figuring the cost to be about $20 and I'd probably charge it. Since I still use the cane, I walk looking down so I don't slip on wet pavement or small rocks. So we're walking toward the store. Right before the door, I notice a folded dollar on the pavement! Cool! I unfold it and it's $20! I look around, no one came looking for it. No one at the register was claiming they'd lost their money. So we spent it on the shoebox items and thanked God for our luck. The kids were amazed and so was I. (I bought a lottery ticket just in case but I didn't win the huge bucks.) :)

I need to get ready now, as it's 7:20am. The kids are off school today because we got about 8 inches of snow Saturday night. Grandma Bear coincidentally has the day off so they will hang out with her while I go to treatment.

Next time I will write about my meeting last Wednesday with our new pastor, to get the Catholic perspective on my situation.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 26 November 2007

2007-11-26T13:42:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I just have to give glory to God today for blessing me yet again.

This past week, I've been having blurred vision in my left eye, one sign of cancer metastasis to the brain. Naturally I've been freaking out.

I decided to bring it to the attention of the nurses this morning. This was a huge step for me because I'm an incredible coward about such things. As soon as they heard "blurred vision", they paged the doctor who ordered a CT Scan STAT (as they say). The doc had said either go to ER or downstairs in their building to the Imaging Center. (And which would YOU choose?)

So I got my CT Scan of the head and left eye orbit and the waiting began...

I'm such a basket case I don't know what to do with myself. Dad had driven me to chemo this morning and kidnapped me to his house in the afternoon. This was wise because I had a distraction. He kept talking and put on the Travel Channel.

All afternoon, I had my cell phone, pen & paper in hand. All afternoon.

We got the kids from school and came to my house at 4pm. Dad stayed at my request while I called the doctor. Was it bad? Had the doctor been consulting her peers all afternoon on my behalf? Was she nervous about calling me?

When I called, they didn't have the results yet! Nurse LH said she'd call me back.

I had been praying all day long.

Nurse LH called me back with a great big, "I TOLD YOU SO!" and read the results of "Normal CT Scan of brain and left eye orbit."

I cried so hard in relief! God has blessed me yet again! He keeps blessing me despite all the times I've doubted Him. Ye of little faith? That's me!

Nurse LH told me to follow up with the eye doctor. PHEW!

Poor Dad! Linz couldn't take me to chemo today so he had filled in for her. I apologized for the all-day roller coaster ride I'd taken him on. As he left, I told him to have an extra glass of wine for me tonight.

It's a wonder I don't hit hard liquor or something. Life is rough. :)

I wish I knew what God wanted me to do with the time He's given me. I am open to suggestions.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

PS: The heart test was good, still at 55 to 60. We want to maintain an injection fraction of over 50. :)

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

2007-11-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Today I have to take a routine heart test (2D Echo) to check if the chemo has been too hard on my heart. Usually I don't get nervous about this one but I'm thinking about it too much. Trying also not to get nervous about the bone scan next month. Told the receptionist I don't want to schedule OR even mention it until mid-December. Denial & avoidance, works for me! :)

Finished up my antibiotic for the irritation at my surgery site (the port). The area is still red, but better by about 50%. If it persists, guess I'll go see the surgeon again. Last I saw her, she was involved in a pyramid marketing scheme for vegetable tablets. Not sure if I'll order those. Soudns like she researched it but who knows?

My red cells had been low. Normal is 11 but mine were 10.1 last week. The insurance company won't pay for a shot until they're lower than 10. (Some new rule.) This week I was back up to 11.2 or something, so I'm good with that. My liver enzymes, which had been high and we were watching, have come back down into the normal range.

Other than a few aches & pains and my usual anxiety over dying sooner than I planned, I suppose I'm doing all right. :)

Have more to write but will do it later. Have to have lunch with Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for your continued prayers!

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 18 October 2007

2007-10-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Not sure why I'm writing. Don't really feel like it.

Started radiation on my left upper arm this week. Two down, twelve to go.

Had surgery to insert a new port yesterday. That area's smarting a bit.

Last week, Mark and I were supposed to spend Weds & Thurs in Frankenmuth to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We spent Weds night there and I asked to go home because I was a few quarts low, literally. I even considered going to the hospital but four different people talked me out of it. Felt better by Friday night.

Found out today that I really screwed up at work by taking last week off for the anniversary, and yesterday, too, for my surgery. (I usually work Weds, Thurs, Friday or try to anyway, when they have work.) They did not say they needed me but now I hear "everybody worked til 10pm". (Extended individual tax returns were due Oct 15th.) This seemed to be the excuse they were looking for to kinda fire me. It's all very strange. They want me to go "per diem" which is what I am anyway, but they want to officially free me up to "write tax returns for another employer if I want", "out of fairness to me" because they have not had much work for me in the past six months. BUT.. I'm supposed to call in on Monday to see if they have any work for me.

I ranted a little more here but erased it all. What's the point?

(I feel like Sayuri in that movie "Memoirs of a Geisha" when she screams "I'm not worthless! I'm not worthless!")

The worst part was that near the end I allowed myself to get teary-eyed in front of a female boss. Big mistake! I had pain in my chest from the surgery, had just returned from today's radiation and this conversation was just too much to take. How embarrassing! I'm shaking my head even now. What a damn shame. Eight years ago I was running the accounting department of a successful multi-million dollar software company and now I can't even keep a part-time job!

If there is a God, he doesn't like me very much.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

2007-10-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Looks like I haven't posted in quite a while. My apologies.

I have been on Navelbine, the next chemo for three weeks so far. It makes me really tired. I am nauseous but it's not as bad as the last chemo. With Gemzar, I was nauseous all day on Monday. With Navelbine, the nausea comes in waves. I get bad heartburn and feel like I'm going to throw up but I swallow some Tums and it goes away for a while. On Tuesday mornings, I still feel like I've been hit by a truck. The rest of the week, I'm fine.

Yesterday, I went to my radiation simulation. Starting next Tuesday, they will be radiating my upper left arm because I'd been having pain there. On my latest bone scan, that was the most active area. It doesn't hurt constantly but mostly when I'm tense. I've been sleeping on it just fine. When I looked back in my medical journal, I first had a pain there on June 30th. Anyway, I will have 14 treatments (every business day, weekends off). I will have to drive across town but I preferred to go to the same guy that treated the chest wall and later, my hip.

One of the techs at the setup said he remembered me.

The doc goes, "Yeah, she's a radiation veteran."

I remembered the other tech from four years ago, as he was quite good-looking. I remember lying on the CAT scan table with tears of embarrassment streaming into my ears because I had to open my shirt after surgery. Bummer. Anyway, he was nice both times. Yesterday, we were talking about tattoos because the setup requires me to get four black dots for placement of the beams.

I said, "If I ever got a real tattoo, the only thing I'd get would be the names of my children."

"Yep, I did that," he said, rolling up his sleeve to show a very colorful electric guitar with the names of his two sons next to it, one on each side. It was good art. I always feel sorry for people with bad tattoos.

The other tech drew on my upper arm with a Sharpie.

"What're you doing? Playing tic-tac-toe?" I asked.

He was marking where the tattoos would go. Tattooed guy came at me with a needle. I didn't feel the first three because of the nerve damage from my breast surgery. The fourth one, right where the old smallpox vaccine went, was different.

"Ow! Hey, I felt that one!"

"Yeah," Tattooed guy said,"That one went in the meat!"

(At least he didn't say fat.)

I was glad that was over. I was also glad that Mark came with me. He's on vacation this week so that was nice of him. Even though he was not allowed in the room with me, I felt glad he was there.

It was weird to sit in the radiation waiting room. That's where I met my friends, aka "The Radiation Chix", three and a half years ago. When you sit in a room with the same people for six weeks, you talk and become friends. We still have lunch once a month, after all this time! It was strange to be there without them.

Yesterday, I also scheduled surgery for next Wednesday to get a new port put it. It has to be done. That nurse is just tearing up my arm every Monday. She digs and digs with that stupid needle. I still hurt from last week and the week before! She's moved on to a third vein, on the inner side of my forearm, after trashing the two in the crook of my elbow. She'll hit the back of my hand next. That's the worst.

Had a little adventure this past weekend. Last week, I was talking to a girl at work who was complaining about her menopausal symptoms. I told her the chemo had fast-forwarded me through all that two years ago. Me and my big mouth.

So Jess and I went Up North on the weekend with my parents. Sunday morning, I got a little surprise! Apparently, a few weeks ago when I was between chemos (two weeks without it), I had popped a stray egg! Thank God Mark and I followed my second opinion guy's advice about being careful. Usually, menopause is a free ticket to go natural but he said I was still young and it could come back. Mark was bummed. :)
Good thing we listened.

So I was Up North at 8AM on a Sunday morning going on a Tampon Quest! I had long since stopped carrying that stuff with me. I ransacked my suitcase hoping for some forgotten supplies to no avail!

Stepmom and I set out in the morning fog in her new car. She white-knuckled it about three miles to the gas station convenience store. On the way, I pointed out a flock of wild turkeys pecking at the roadside but she wouldn't look because she was concentrating on driving. I was happy to find the stuff at the gas station. It was overpriced, but I was stuck.

We passed the same flock of turkeys on the way back. About a half mile later, another turkey ran across the road in long strides right in front of the car! She slowed down in time.

"I bet ya saw that one!" I laughed. "Let's tell the guys we're having turkey for breakfast!"

It joined the rest of the second flock already on the other side of the road.

Stepmom said, "Wouldn't that be funny if I bagged a turkey before your Dad?"

We agreed that the turkeys hide during hunting season so maybe he should stake out US-23 next time!

Anyway, I was glad we'd found supplies. When we got home Sunday night (Mark and the little one has stayed behind for soccer) I told Mark what my body had decided to do. He was surprised and bummed. Tomorrow is our 10th anniversary! Kinda puts a damper on things, y'know?

He said God has a sick sense of humor. :)

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 13 Sept 2007

2007-09-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

This will not be a long post because I'm very tired.

The bone scan was bad. More spots in the spine, bigger spot in the arm.

After waiting for the scan results and freaking out for days, I called the doctor's office this afternoon. Spoke with LH, the nurse's assistant.

"I was calling to see how the bone scan came out," I said.

She goes, "I think you know."

WHAT? What kinda response was that? Then she gave me the details.

Anyway, they had already faxed the results to my 2nd opinion guy YESTERDAY. So they knew for a whole day and did not call me! Wow.

Spoke to the 2nd opinion guy. I will switch chemicals ... again.

He said, "Look, it's not life-threatening. It's not in your organs. We've had this (chemical switching) conversation before and we'll have it again."

He's always a positive influence while my doc is darker. (Remember he was her mentor, that's how they know each other.)

Gotta go spend some time with Mark. Tried to spend lots of time with the babies after school. We just told them Mommy has to switch medicines and that they found some new spots. We've always been honest with them so they don't just wake up one morning and Mommy's gone.

Lots of emotions are going through my head but I'm too tired to write them all down. Furthermore, these allergies are kicking my butt.

No news on the blood tests for bacteria. Took another one yesterday. They'll let that grow to make sure I don't need any more antibiotics.

Please pray for me as the family goes through this rough time...AGAIN!

Love,
Jeanette

Sunday, 9 Sept 2007

2007-09-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Tomorrow is my next bone scan. Once again I am trying desperately not to freak out. How I dread waiting for the phone call. Since I came home from the hospital, my stomach drops nearly every time the phone rings. I fear it is some doctor with bad news. When I see it's the oncologist's office, I really get scared. They called just to ask me to be on time for chemo and I nearly lost it. Waiting for the bone scan results will be the worst. Didn't make it to church today. Bad move on my part. Let's see if I pay for it.

It was a busy week from a medical standpoint. Let me recap:

MONDAY SEPT 3rd:

Found out I had miscounted my medical supplies before leaving for Up North. Did not have enough Heparin, which I inject into the IV line after the antibiotic and saline to prevent blood cots in the line. The local pharmacy did not have any so I had to call the local hospital, who had to contact MY medical supply place to confirm. So I waited. It was very nerve-wracking. Finally, they called me back. Mark went down to the hospital pharmacy to get a vial and syringe, which I drew up myself. So much for staying out of the medical field as my career choice!

TUESDAY SEPT 4th:

Showed up at chemo still attached to my antibiotic IV bag, which was taking FOREVER! I had kept turning the dial up during the week, as it was taking longer and longer (four hours sometimes, instead of 2 to 2.5).

My PICC line, the tubing they inserted in my right arm in the hospital so I can take my IV antibiotic at home, was not giving blood when the chemo nurse tried to take my weekly blood test. This prompted calls to both the oncologist and Dr. V of infectious diseases.

They decided not to use the PICC line for chemo. (The PICC line was totally pain-free for injections and such, as they hooked right up to the outside tubing. BUT NO!) She had to put an IV in the back of my hand, the most sensitive part of the arm. This nurse is no good at IVs so she really had to dig around to find the visible, protruding vein! She had to dilute the chemo with a simultaneous saline drip because it hurt going in.

I would have to keep the IV in my hand for three days to administer the last doses of antibiotic and for the colonoscopy anesthesia on Weds. Like the PICC line, I was not allowed to get it wet. I had been wrapping the middle of my arm in Saran Wrap and taping the ends with medical tape before every shower. Since the PICC line was still in, I had to do that PLUS keep my hand out of the shower to stay dry! Mark had to help me wash my left arm.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT 5th:

Not allowed to eat all day. Only clear liquids. Colonoscopy tomorrow.

Had an appt with Dr. V today. She told me to finish my last two doses of the antibiotic and take a blood test today then one two weeks from now. If all is clear, I'm free to get another port. If the germ is still in my system, it will attach itself to the new port and THAT would have to be removed. So no new port til I'm clear.

Her nurse removed the PICC line while I was there. I tried not to panic as she pulled the 44 cm of tubing from my arm with no anesthesia. The anxiety was for nothing, as the pulling didn't really hurt. Removing all the medical tape before she started was another story! "YEOW! YIKES! OW!" I exclaimed to keep from swearing.

Wednesday night at 5pm was when I started swallowing the 32 laxative horse pills to prepare for the colonoscopy. Good thing I don't have trouble swallowing pills. I figure you swallow wads of chewed food larger than that, right? About 40 minutes later the fun started. I was scared but tried to make a joke of it for the kids, each time heading to the bathroom swinging my arms like an Olympic walker. Here we go again!

I downed a couple Gatorades, one can of ginger ale and a water or two. Between 5pm and right before the test itself, I went to the bathroom 25 times! Mostly just water. The only good thing was that I did not get those nasty diarrhea cramps. Thank God!

THURSDAY, SEPT 6th:

OK, I was pretty scared before the colonoscopy. (I had a nightmare before it, that a nurse said I was "a screamer" and would be awake during the test.)

Mark and I arrived at the Surgery Center at 8:30am and I was called back shortly thereafter. They used the IV still in the back of my hand. The young nurse had to pull, reposition it and retape it but it eventually worked.

Had to wait forever for the bathroom but the anesthesiologist, bless his heart, pointed me around the corner to another one. A stern nurse tracked me down and thought I had escaped.

I had a 101.7 fever but the doc said it was just from dehydration. They had to take my blood pressure on my calf because I had the IV and the PICC line wound on my right arm. (The left arm is always off limits because of all the lymph nodes they removed during my breast surgery in 2004.)

Both the stern nurse and the young one reassured me I'd be asleep during the test. I made the anesthesiologist promise.

I'm so glad Mark was there with me after I was prepped.

They wheeled me down the hall into the dimly-lit operating room, where the young nurse, a nurse anesthetist and a female technician were getting ready.

I laid on my left side and asked for a pillow between my knees to prevent hip and back pain. I looked over my shoulder at Debbie the technician, who was putting on elbow-length, blue rubber gloves.

"You'd better not do anything til I'm asleep," I warned.

"No, no," Debbie said, adjusting the cuffs. "I can't do anything til the doctor comes in."

I turned back then looked over my shoulder again, "I'm watching you Debbie!"

The doc came in as a nurse put an oxygen mask over my nose & mouth. I helped position it properly. I saw her start to inject a syringe into the IV tube. It was halfway gone and THEN....

I woke up in the prep room. My eyelids were so heavy I could only open halfway. Someone showed Mark back in and then the doctor came in.

I heard a few phrases, like "fine, young colon" and "no cancer". He mentioned hemorrhoids (no kidding, I gave birth to a ten pound baby!) and said I have a "spastic colon" which may have accounted for the thickening they saw in the CAT Scan. (Now I have to look up the ramifications of a "spastic colon".) He said he did a biopsy, just to satisfy the oncologist.

"What if that comes up with cancer?" I mumbled.

"It won't," he said.

He was about to leave when I said, "Congratulations, doctor. You have gone where no man has gone before!"

"THAT was obvious!" he laughed.

No one told me that they fill your colon full of air for this test, and that the air wants to come back out. Now, I have only farted in from of my husband once in our 13 year relationship. I was 9 months pregnant with my second son and we were out for our evening walk. I couldn't help it. Mark was bemused and had pointed out at the time that I'd never done that in front of him before. You put a 10lb baby (plus other "stuff") on your colon, take a walk and see what happens!

After the colonoscopy, all bets were off. I really let loose.

Even the stern nurse laughed when I said, "Take cover! There's more air on deck!"

When I was a little more awake, then sent me home, warning me not to drive or sign any legal paperwork for the rest of the day!

We headed to the hospital branch near home to get my blood cultures done. They couldn't do it at the Surgery Center. This involved two more pokes in the arm, 15 minutes apart for some reason. Not sure WHAT can change in that time. Luckily, I had the skilled phlebotomist. One is good, one is bad over there. The good one says she has been drawing 60 to 70 blood tests every day for four years. I complimented her skills, remembering she was the one that made me pay the time I argued with her supervisor about getting some test results myself instead of from the doctor.

Afterwards, since my colon was so clean, I figured I should get some red meat in it so we stopped at Burger King on the way home!

Friday I was back at work. The surgeon's office called my cell phone (the stomach dropped). I returned their call. They only wanted to see how I was doing, thank God.

It's now after 11pm so I should get to sleep. Really scared about tomorrow's scan. Other than an occasional pain in my upper left arm, I feel perfectly fine. Before my last bone scan, everything hurt but it turned out to be psychological. All the pain stopped after the good results came back.

Please pray for another stay of execution for me. I love my babies and want to be with them as long as I can.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 30 August 2007

2007-08-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

My apologies for all the typos in the last entry. Lindsay typed it from my scrawls on a piece of paper. I had trouble reading some of it!

Been doing OK. Still pretty tired. This antibiotic drip sometimes takes 3-4 hours instead of 2-2.5 hours. I keep turning it up.

The first time I did this myself it was a bit overwhelming. So much for avoiding the medical field as a profession! On Friday morning, the nurse came and set up the bag & showed me how to flush (inject) the saline and heparin (to prevent blood clot in the IV line) but on Friday night, I was on my own.

My sister and my neighbor/friend (the university professor) were with me. They helped me decipher the instructions. At one point, I called the 24 hour nurse. I got an answering service! We had to figure things out on our own as I was in the middle of set-up but the on-call nurse ended up calling back an hour later.

The Professor stayed with me until after midnight, bless her heart. I had dozed off so she woke me when the drip stopped. We were watching "Little Miss Sunshine", a highly-overrated movie. (Neither of us liked it. It starts with a woman picking her brother up in the hospital after a suicide attempt then later the Grandpa overdoses on drugs and DIES in the hospital! Not good after what I went through last week. And this was supposed to be a comedy. I laughed twice in the first hour.)

The Professor came over again a couple days ago to wash all my dishes and scrub my kitchen floor. She's a good friend.

Anyway, I've been doing this antibiotic twice a day (morning and night). They said my blood looked OK, no kidney damage yet!

I have two appointments next week: one with Dr. V (infectious disease) and another for a colonoscopy (to see if that was the source of the infection). Ran into my oncologist at chemo on Monday. She told me Dr. V ordered the colonoscopy so not to worry about cancer there. She scolded me for not asking the question (why are they doing it?). Of course, I'm still worried.

A pharmacist called from the medical supply place after they delivered my next week's supply of meds & accessories. I asked her if this was overkill since my chemo nurse on Monday told me my blood cultures were clear. The pharmacist said my blood cultures were positive. I asked if that was from my arm or the port. She said she didn't know, she only had one result. (Of course the port showed infection, we knew that.)

The pharmacist tried to scare me by saying if I ignore the infection and it grows in my blood, I could get a fever, then septecemia and die (in so many words). She said the antibiotic level is appropriate.

I wish these medical people would stop telling me how sick I am when I feel fine!

Well, I have to go to work this afternoon, after I disconnect myself from this pole, so I'll close here.

Thank you for your continued prayers. It's good to be home.

Love,
Jeanette

PS: Hello to all of Mark's coworkers who wished me well at his softball game on Tuesday! :)

Weds 8/22 PM and Thurs 8/23 - Hospital

2007-08-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Weds night
(9:15PM)

Very tired. Hoping, well, worrying about that CAT Scan. It is done so I have no control over how it comes out. Have a bad feeling about the liver & colon. So tired.
I'm afraid some doctor's gonna come in here and tell me I'm dying.

(11:55PM...almost midnight!)

"Jeanette," the nurse tried to wake me gently.

I stirred as she continued.

"The doctor wants you to have a procedure tomorrow."

A procedure! My mind raced. What did they find? What was this new worry they concocted?

"It's called a trans-esophogeal echocardiogram. You need to sign this consent form."

Oh that!

"Yeah," I mumbled, sitting up. "I know about that."

"No food or drink after midnight."

"Yeah, they told me. Anything on the CAT Scan?"

She said no.

I had slept for only an hour. Maybe I should check if the vampire is coming for her usual 1am feeding. I guess I'll walk up to the front desk to offer my arm early. My roommate is watching some violent TV show.

The nurse just came by to check my roommates IV battery. She tells me no vampires tonight. Gave her something to do...look up info on this second antibiotic they've been giving me. Got info on the first one yesterday. Looks like it treats every STD under the sun. Eeeew!

Thursday 8/23 (8:50am)

Very weak. Diarrhea is a side effect of 3 of the medicines I'm on (two different antibiotics and my old friend Neupogen). Lost count of how many times I've gone already.

My nervousness about the CAT Scan isn't helping. My intestines get messed up when I'm nervous.

I'm afraid the infectious disease doc will come up with some other procedure. I don't trust her that way since she sprung this TEE test on me. What if she wants to investigate my colon? Then again, it's a volatile area and maybe they won't want to mess around in there.

I just want to go home and crash on my own couch.

My roommate just ordered one of everything on the breakfast menu. Heck, I'm just happy she's keeping food down now. It's no fun to listen to someone else throwing up when you're nauseous yourself.

As for her breakfast, I guess I'll just walk by and enjoy the wonderful aroma---again.

It's very hard to not feel despair.

(9:05am)

Roommate is short of breath. I rang for the nurse and a couple of them showed up. She'll be ok. The nurses are great here.

One told me my TEE test is at 11am. I hope they let me eat after that. I've heard my esophagus will be sore after the test. I just hope they put me our so I don't gag.

Roommate's doing better. She has a friend visiting. Sounds like a complaint session.

(1:06pm)

My cellmate has been paroled. Good for her. We wished each other luck.

A nurse installed a "PICC line" around 10 am so I can have IV antibiotics at home. They still need to come xray it. It went in right along the bend of my elbow in the inner arm. It was a "sterile" procedure so it took her like 45 minutes to set up, complete w/mask, gloves and that blue operating room gown. She assured me the massive needles were just to draw the numbing medicine, etc, from the bottles and that she'd use smaller ones for the procedure.

Yes, it hurt. Guess I should offer it up for my sins. That's the stock answer for Catholics.

She had to tape my hand down, extended like Jesus on the cross. I'm sure crucifixion is worse so I shouldn't complain. The actual procedure was over quickly...5-10 minutes.

Immediately following, they took me down for the TEE test. They put all kinds of jumper cables on my chest to monitor the heart. I laid on my side. I had to swallow some goo to numb my throat they they sprayed my throat twice with some numbing spray. I have observed that everything that's supposed to numb you burns the neck first.

The nurse supposedly gave me 2 shots of a sedative but I was wide awake when they shoved the garden hose down my throat.

"Breathe through your nose and swallow when the doctor says swallow."

Right. Guess I did OK. Coughed a few times but tried to get my mind straight. If I screwed it up, the test would just take longer.

I hoped I didn't tick off the nurse when I asked her to scrub her hands and give me a new mouthpiece earlier. She opened it with her bare hands and said it was going in my mouth. Nope! She was nice about it though. She was in her mid-fifties, blonde with heavy eye makeup. She'd probably seen it all. I was apologetic but insistent, as you have to be.

(By the way, the phlebotomy manager apologized personally and brought me flowers for the unsanitary blood draw I had the other night. Whatever. I still hope I'm not here tonight, as that chick works again.)

OK. So the TEE result showed "no vegetation on the heart." Eeew! Since a doctor did the test, he was able to tell me right then, during the test.

Still FREAKING OUT about the CAT Scan.

There was a loud patient across the hall during my test. The slim Hawaiian nurse took his verbal abuse for a while then made a phone call. I think they sedated his belligerent ass because in a short time he was saying, "Oh yeah!" every time a nurse passed by. He was now in the hall after his test. Then he ordered a steak and potatoes from someone walking by! She assured him they were making his steak when she passed by again. He discovered a phone next to his gurney.

"Do you have a directory?" he asked no one in particular.

Then he dialed and ordered "a ground round, a big one" and "a six pack of pop" from whomever answered.

The Hawaiian nurse had returned to the room and I caught her eye with a smile and a puzzled look. She smiled back nd shook her head.

(1:40pm)

Nurse just came in to hook up my antibiotic. I get them at 6am, 2pm and 10pm. Hope I'm not still here at 10pm. Shared the alone story with her. She got a kick out of it. She says I'm getting a new roommate, an older lady.

"Is she half dead or what?" I asked.

"No, I don't think so," she reassured me.

I should order lunch.

I'm so afraid they won't release me today. No sign of any doctors yet. Hope the infectious disease doc does not pull another test out of her hat.

(1:50pm)

This sucks! The kitchen won't feed me! I'm still "NPO" they said. It's some Latin term for "nothing by mouth". i told them I had my test but they didn't believe me. They said the floor has to tell them it's OK. I went whining to the nurse.

(1:55pm)

Ordered food.

(2:10pm)

The nurse was wrong. This roommate doesn't look so good.

(6:50pm)

They've beaten me. I'm a shell of a woman. I got trapped in my room while they gave that poor woman Last Rites. The hospice rep was working hard to get her some serious pain meds. (The rep came to my bed first and I almost jumped out of my skin seeing "HOSPICE" on her shirt) I prayed with the family from behind the curtain then respectfully escaped to the hallway when the priest was done. She's still alive (ovarian cancer of a mass blocking her colon).

I sat in the hall talking to the family while the nurses performed some horrific procedure where they relieved bowel pressure by a tube inserted through the nose down in tot he stomach and beyond, with suction! How that poor old woman screamed.

Then came my CAT Scan results. More bone metastases with some type of thickening in the colon. The doc told me by the nurses desk.

I asked the doctor, "Did they compare it to the bone scan of April 20th?"

His dark eyes got wide.

"That's an excellent question," he got up immediately.

They used my Nov '05 PET/CT Scan. We already know I've had more bone mets since then.
So I'll need another bone scan for comparative purposed then a colonscopy. Great.

They've beaten me.

I am going home tonight. After much hard work, the case manager was able to arrange a home care nurse to come by tomorrow.

I'll get 2 weeks of antibiotics at home, twice a day 2 1/2 hours each time.
My culture from the other day still needs to incubate for 5 more days to see if anything grows. They'll monitor my blood counts, kidney function, etc. I have to watch for fever, excessive diarrhea (MORE than now?) etc.

I am defeated, totally drained. I was a strong and vital women when I cam in here. Now I am a shell.

(7:25pm)

They moved the old woman. Dr. V, my infectious disease doc said she told them not to put her in my room in the first place.

New roommate #2 just arrived. Metastatic lung cancer, 44 years old, just diagnosed. She's very upset but I can tell she still has a lot of mileage left in her. Two young children. They're not here but 2 weeping relatives are.

My friends, if you smoke, I BEG you to thrown that poison away.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 - Hospital

2007-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone, Mark here again with another of Jeanette's blog entries. One quick update, she had the surgery yesterday (Tuesday) and it went without a hitch. She's back in her room recovering, and taking a number of scans and tests. Now, on to her entry:

6:30 AM
I was just about to order breakfast, but the nurse told me not to eat because I'm supposed to have an abdominal CAT Scan today. I wish I could avoid all these tests. They're trying to rule out an abcess that could be causing my infection.

Some chick woke me up at 1 AM to take blood. She was wearing gloves, but ripped off the middle finger. She swabbed me with alcohol, then touched my vein with her bare finger! I was shocked! The reason I'm here is because of infection!

"Should you be doing that?" I asked.

She mumbled something about how she can feel the vein better that way and reluctantly swabbed my arm with the used swab, then used it on her finger. Gross! how many other people did she touch without washing her hands? Maybe she feels like we're all dying anyway, so who cares?

Had the port out yesterday. The area is a little sore but not too bad.

I asked for some ibuprofen last night.
"Do you want some Vicodin?" the nurse asked.
"Vicodin?!" I said. "Heavens, no! I don't want to throw up, I just need ibuprofen."
They found some in their drawers, so I didn't have to wait 5 hours for the pharmacy to re-open.

2:55 PM
My forehead is turning red. Not sure if it's the antibiotic or the "contrast" I drank for my impending CAT Scan. Someone paged the nurse, so hopefully she can solve this problem.

Had 3 visitors so far today. My stepmom first thing in the morning, then Dad, then my favorite Deacon from church. (Actually, I don't know the other ones.) The Deacon walked into a philosophical discussion I was having with my roommate and a Methodist pastoral associate.

3:10 PM
Now I'm scared and nervous. They'll be "coming to get me" for the CAT Scan soon. Two main fears: I'll have to stay here longer, and (the big one) they'll find cancer in an organ. Oh, no, they're here!

4:20 PM
Said a rosary in the Radiology hallway waiting to go in, then waiting to be transported back. My stepmom came to see me again. they wouldn't let her drive me up to my room. We had to wait for an official pink-shirt transport chick. She was nice--let me make a pit stop on the way.

5:20 PM
ordered a burger w/ extra tomatoes, cheesy potatoes and apple pie. Was on hold for at least 15 minutes. This is my first food today.

Need to have another test, a TEE (trans-esophogeal echocardiogram) tomorrow. The 2D Echo showed no infection of the heart but to be absolutely sure, I need to swallow some tube that'll take pictures of my heart from my esophagus! So guess what--they're starving me tomorrow, too. No food after midnight for the third day in a row.
[Mark's note: I brought Jeanette some candy around 8 PM.]

yesterday was because of the port removal surgery, today for the CAT Scan, tomorrow this TEE. That's okay, I was planning to lose 10 lbs anyway. The heart nurse promised numbing of the throat and some type of "twilight sleep" sedative.

The infectious disease chick said if I don't do the test, she'll treat me for 4 weeks of IV antibiotics (just assume the heart is infected.) If I take the test and it's OK, I get 2 weeks. (If it IS infected, 4 weeks anyway.) So the test may get me out of 2 weeks.

Get this -- I get to administer my own IV.
I go to the doc, "Yeah, I hear someone will be coming to my home to give the antibiotics every day."
"Oh, no," she said. "they're coming once, to teach you!"

6:05 PM
Food's here.
Still scared stiff about the CAT Scan results. I hope I don't have to cry again. Bawled enough this morning.

They forgot my tomatoes.

Tuesday, Aug 21, 2007 - Hospital

2007-08-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Hi, gang, Mark here. Jeanette wrote up a blog entry while in the hospital and asked me to type it in... so here it is, verbatim (I tried to minimize my comments, since it's been almost a full day since she wrote it):

7:30 a.m. 8/21

I don't know how prisoners do it. How do they get their minds around being incarcerated? I'm trapped like a rat. Later on, the oncologist will come in to see me. I fear her, yet I will not be able to escape.

Last night around 8:30 p.m., they took 4 more blood cultures-- 2 from the port, 2 from my arm. Then a tired, disgruntled employee showed up at half past midnight to do a blood culture. I told her they did it 4 hours before. She called the nurse, who saw nothing in her computer. I asked to talk to the nurse in person, showed her my arm to prove they already did it. (I'm thinking... I don't CARE what the computer says!) She called the lab, and confirmed that they already did it. I wonder how many other people had extra pokes that night because they wre too weak to question or fight back?

They told me last night, in an "oh, by the way" tone of voice, "You're having surgery tomorrow."

They're taking the port out. Guess it makes sense, while I'm here. I cant' wait to get the heck out of this hospital.

My antibiotics arrived sometime last night. The little bag has an orange "STAT" sticker--I guess "STAT" means six to eight hours after you arrive! I would've been really ticked if it arrived in the a.m. Then I could've spent the night at home in my own bed. I didn't see the clock when it arrived, probably between 12-1 a.m.

Shortly thereafter two people came in to confiscate my food and water. Nothing after midnight due to surgery tomorrow, they said.

I'm pretty upset about being here. I feel fine (and ornery.)
When I was here in May 06, the nurses were nice and i wrote that letter complimenting them. So far I've only seen one of those nurses. She said I looked familiar.

I hope my surgery isn't at 3 p.m. I'm pretty thirsty. [NOTE: Almost 3 pm exactly -Mark]

Still not sure what time I've been "boarded." A new medical term--it means scheduled for surgery. Sounded to me that they were going to tie me up or something.

Very tense. My intestines are churning. Considered tying the bedsheets together but I'm on the 5th floor so I probably don't have enough.

I hope they give me enough warning for the surgery so I can have Mark come back to be with me. He and the kids left at 9pm last night. I was in tears. It's hard to be alone in the hospital. I remember last time when I called the chaplain just so I'd have someone to talk to.

I can't wait to break outta here.

The hardest part is coming face to face with my mortality again. I'd been trying to live a normal life, every day but Monday (chemo). When I'm tossed in the hospital, I think about how I yelled at my kids that week, or ripped at my husband. then I feel so much remorse because I don't want them to remember me as being angry and mean. I cry about that the most.

Please pray for me and be nice to the people you love.
-Jeanette

Monday, 20 August 2007

2007-08-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just a quick note. I have to go to the hospital. I have a strep infection in my port so they want to pump me full of antibiotics for a few days. They will check to make sure the bacteria has not attached itself to my heart.

I will keep you posted.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 14 August 2007

2007-08-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Spoke to Mom's doctor on Friday. She's only Stage 1 but she needs surgery. He started to explain a "modified radical mastectomy" to me. (I had one.)

I interrupted,"Just a minute, doc, I need to tell you about my own situation..."

After that, he kicked up the vocabulary a notch!

In a nutshell, Mom needs to decide between removing the infected quadrant of the breast or the whole thing.

As I was leaving, I noticed a familiar face in the crowded waiting room.

"Mom!" I said, also noticing my aunt sitting next to her in full nun garb, veil & cross.

Then I put my foot in my mouth.

"Sister!" I exclaimed, "Speak of the Devil!"

The entire waiting room burst out laughing as I stammered,"Well, I didn't mean it like THAT..."

Anyway, I took my aunt outside and we discussed Mom's condition. I recommended taking the whole thing. If they took a quadrant, she'd have to have 6 weeks of radiation (like me) but the doc wasn't sure she would keep that schedule.

In either case, the doc will also remove her lymph nodes. If those are clear, she's free to go. If not, chemo. But we'll cross that bridge later.

Spoke to Mom today. She's opting for removing the whole thing and has scheduled surgery next week.

As for me, my latest issue is an infection in my port. Trying to remember if it was already irritated before I went to the hospital to get it checked (when it wasn't working). I don't believe so. My nurses say this is a frequent problem, people developing infections AFTER getting their ports checked at the hospital. Nice!

Already tried antibiotics and Neosporin. Not helping. Don't even get me started about puncturing the area yesterday for treatment. That was NO FUN. We've all had a cut that got infected. Imaging shoving a needle in it! I asked what we do now. The nurse said removing the port and getting a new one is a possibility. That's all I need is another surgery. I think not.

Maybe I'll ask them to give me an IV in my arm for treatment next Monday to let the port area heal up a bit. Who knows?

Other than that, I am well.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Friday, 10 August 2007

2007-08-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

This afternoon, I have to go see my mom's doctor to get the real scoop on her condition. Played phone tag with him on Tuesday. When I had to leave the house for an errand and I missed his return call, he refused to speak to me on the phone. Sounds like a power trip to me. No matter what I said, the receptionist kept saying, "You have to come in. You have to come in." Seemed like she was afraid of him.

What can I do? I have to go. He'd better not make me wait. Luckily, his office is down the street from me. That's a happy coincidence.

As for me, kinda tired this week. I had made a habit of going to bed late but I've had to work this week. Hard to make the transition. Another mom at work is in the same boat. They've had no work for us all summer. Also, I miss the kids during the day.

I'll post again when I know about my mom.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Oh, by the way, I fell pretty hard in my backyard a few weeks ago when I tried to duck from a bee lunging for my face. Hit a stump on the way down so I had a huge bruise on my left shin but I was VERY HAPPY I did not break any bones. This is a real fear in my condition. Phew!

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 18 July 2007

2007-07-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Now that my baby sister's wedding is over, I have time to post again.

So far, so good with me. No new tests.

The big news is that my mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer. About a month ago, she told me she was scheduled for a biopsy on July 9th. Because of my sister's wedding, I did not tell my Dad or sister. (She is actually my half-sister, no blood relation to my mom.) Still, I did not want her to be distracted by this.

Mom went to the doc for her results on Firday the 13th. How appropriate! Because of her mental state, we had a very frustrating conversation in which I tried to glean the extent of the cancer while she talked about where she ate lunch. My aunt the nun, who looks out for Mom, was out of state on convent business. She called me yesterday.

I have been apprehensive about talking to my aunt because two years ago, she told me Mom had liver cancer, which turned out to be totally false. I had even written my estranged brother about it! Giving my aunt the benefit of the doubt, let's just call her an alarmist.

If I had known the caller ID number, which I did not recognize, was her, I would not have answered. But I answered.

This time, I was smarter about it. I knew Mom had not had any other tests except the biopsy. My aunt, while calling herself "the most positive person on the face of the God's earth", told me Mom didn't look so good and that the cancer had metastasized.

"Really?" I said politely. "How do you know that?"

She stammered, "Beacuse I've seen it before and it's cancer!"

Sorry, sister. Not good enough.

Remaining calm, I convinced her to send me a copy of the biopsy results when she comes back into town. She will list me as a person who can talk to the doctor about my mother's health.

Before I had spoken to my aunt, I had told myself that Mom could get chemo and live another 30 years. There is nothing I can do about her situation and (maybe selfishly) I should concentrate on myself and my children.

After talking to my aunt, my gut is messed up, I'm thinking about my own death and thinking every little twinge I have is the cancer coming back full force. Just can't seem to shake it.

I just hope we do not end up at the same oncologist.

Please pray for us.

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 8 June 2007

2007-06-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Feeling better today. Just a little tired.

Tried to go to work today but obstacles kept coming up. After taking my blood test, I heard the freeway was backed up. Took another road only to sit at a railroad crossing for ten minutes. Turned around and decided to chance it on the freeway. Just before I got there, my "low coolant" light went on! Called Dad who said put water in it. Drove home and couldn't open the hood!

All the neighbors were at work and Dad was helping my sister with something this morning but my brother-in-law-to-be was in the neighborhood. He opened the hood and the coolant was full!

So now I've got to drive it to the local mechanic to find out what the heck is going on. Luckily, they can drive me back home.

Maybe I just was not meant to go in to work today.

This is one of those days where I just shake my head, SMILE, and go with the flow!

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 7 June 2007

2007-06-07T10:56:00.001-07:00

My Dear Friends,

After work yesterday I had a fever of 101 F, which is hospitalization level for a cancer patient. I paged my doctor at about 6:15pm. Last year in May when this happened, she'd made plans for me to be admitted and called me back within the hour.

This time while waiting for her call, I drank lots of water, put an ice cold washcloth on my head and covered up in two afghans to manage my chills.

My oldest played nursemaid for an hour, bringing me everything I needed and trying to be cheerful although he was probably scared seeing Mommy in that condition. Mark and the little one were at a soccer game, not realizing how sick I was when they'd left.

I took my scheduled Neupogen shot, figuring that if I went to the hospital, they'd shoot me up with lots of Neupogen anyway, like they did last time.

My temp was down to 99.3 F when I went to bed at 9:15pm.

The doctor called and woke me up at 11:15pm! Nice. She said she'd left her pager somewhere and didn't realize I'd called! I told her the situation and she advised me to take some Tylenol, go to the ER if the fever spikes again, and go get a blood test on Friday.

Today, I stayed home from work. It's 2pm now. My temp was 97.0 F at 8am but I haven't taken it since. Just hanging around the house. I feel much better than yesterday but still a little tired.

This incident was like a slap in the face, reminding me again that I have a deadly disease and that life can turn on a dime. I have been cruising along and, except for Monday when I get treatment, ignoring cancer and living like I have 40 more years, carrying on a normal life. Now again I feel a sense of urgency. Urgency to do what, I don't know. Make my will? Finish all my incomplete craft projects? Clean the basement?

My poor babies. They don't deserve this, as I kept telling my oldest as he watched over me. I sure hope someday we'll all understand why this is happening.

Gotta go. Can't see the screen through my tears.

Love,
Jeanette

2007-05-31T07:43:00.001-07:00

Thurs, 31 May 2007

2007-05-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just when I thought I had taken every medical test known to mankind, they come up with another one!

At chemo on Tuesday, my port was not working. (A port is a metal disc implanted below my collarbone, attached internally to a tube going into a major vein. The nurses puncture my skin above the port to hook me up to the chemo but that's a lot less painful than starting an IV.)

The nurses tried and tried to push an injection of fluid through to get it started but it wouldn't work, so they ended up digging around in my arm with a huge needle to start an IV instead.

They said I needed to go the next day for a portogram! Great, just when I thought it was safe...

Of course they also had to give me a pregnancy test because, I assumed correctly, a portogram involved an xray in some way. Pregnancy test? As if!

So I let them poke me again in the same arm to save me the trouble of going to another lab and wasting time.

Yesterday I was pretty nervous about this new test. All the nurses told me was this test would see why the post was not working.

Got to the hospital at 11:45am for my 12 noon test. Didn't get outta there until 2pm! (Don't get me started...)

Anyway, a very nice doctor met with me and she said the actual test takes only five minutes. I was very nervous, my own fault for not looking this up on the Internet the night before. Basically, they'd try to access the port just like my nurses then inject some radioactive dye into my chest to watch where it goes on the xray.

The conclusion was that the technician was able to access the port as normal, although she had to push the fluid syringe a little harder than the nurses did. Looks like there was either a small clot or the end of the tube inside was pushed up against the wall of my vein. I should be good to go next week.

It'd better work. That stupid IV was no fun on Tuesday. After trying ridiculous things to get the port to work like raising my arms, lying back in the chair and turning my head to one side, I was pretty upset. When they started digging around with the needle in my arm, another (wonderful) patient tried to distract me by asking questions about my weekend. I wasn't having it. She came over with Kleenex and asked if there was anything she could do. I asked her to hold my hand and she did, God bless her.

So much for being strong.

I will write again to update what's been going on this past month.

Love,

Jeanette

Monday, 23 April 2007

2007-04-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

The phone rang a minute after I'd arrived from getting the kids at school. I know that the oncologist's office usually makes test result calls late in the afternoon.

There was dread in my voice as I saw the doc's number on the caller ID and answered,"This is Jeanette."

It was LH the nurse's aide.

In a very cheery voice, like she'd just stopped laughing, she said,"Jeanette, why do you always answer the phone like I'm gonna give you bad news?"

"Because I'm scared, that's why."

"Well, the scan showed no significant change and no new areas of cancer!"

THIS WAS GOOD! (We strive for either healing or no change in these scans.)

I bawled my eyes out, while giving my confused sons the thumbs up sign. I have since explained to them that sometimes girls cry when they are happy. They also learned the give-a-hyperventilating-person-a-paper-lunchbag-to-breathe-into trick!

Well, I did have three chemicals in chemo today so I'm nauseous and tired. I'll be better on Wednesday.

Thank you for all of your prayers. My family and I really appreciate them. I'm very lucky to have such good, supportive friends. (Boy, am I mushy today!)

All my love,

Jeanette

Weds, 18 April 2007

2007-04-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

How time flies! The bone scan is upon me!

It's getting really hard not to freak out. I had all these things I wanted to accomplish before this scan but I haven't done any of them... like my will.

I wish this whole cancer thing would just go away. It's so annoying to have to worry about this stuff. I've got things to do! :)

I sure hope this goes well.

At least I have the day off on Friday, with pay. That was the firm's thank you to everyone for working hard during tax season. They gave everybody Friday off, even us part-timers! I felt uncomfortable celebrating the end of tax season at the very classy luncheon on Tuesday and again at dinner (with friends at my last firm). I had worked a couple Saturdays but I didn't do nearly the same number of returns as last year. This year I did only 19 individual returns and 19 trusts. Can't find my stats from last year but the year before I did 170 individual returns and, what, 15 trusts or so. This season, I had stuff to do most days but never felt the pressure like previous years. There were even a couple days when I had to seek work out. I felt like a ghost, drifting in the halls, passing by the offices of people with real jobs.

Not that I wanted to be all stressed out but I don't feel any sense of accomplishment. I feel like I didn't deserve to celebrate. I feel like tax season never started. Oh well. This probably sounds pretty stupid.

As for the future, I've gone from part-time to "on call". We'll see how that works out. My employer and I have agreed I can take part-time work elsewhere as long as I communicate it to them. (Shakes head.)

Started reading again after a brief hiatus. Finished "An Invitation to Provence" by Elizabeth Adler. It was about a lonely old lady living in a French chateau who invites her old friends and distant relatives to stay with her for a couple weeks, complete with romance and intrigue. It caught my eye in the library only because I had stayed in that region of Southern France when I studied there in college. Though it's not what I usually read, I enjoyed the book.

Reading "The Traveller's Gift" by Andy Andrews now. Supposed to be a NY Times best seller, though I don't see why. It's really a motivational book in disguise. It had a good premise...everything is going wrong in this guy's life, he gets into a car accident and is transported back through history to meet and get letters of advice from 7 historical figures. The writing is pretty choppy, it just doesn't seem professional. I've been telling Mark about the book. There are gross "continuity issues" as he calls them...like when King Solomon gives the guy a scroll of advice telling him to "seek wisdom" by listening to books on tape! :) Then the guy puts the scroll into a tobacco pouch he's using to collect the letters. Mark's like, "Isn't a scroll supposed to be HUGE?" I'm muddling through the book only because I might as well finish it but feel like a motivational change-your-life book is a moot point for me at this stage.

Also finished "Talking to Heaven" by psychic James Van Praagh. Still searching for answers. This book seems to indicate I have cancer because I'm working off some major bad karma from previous lives. Either that or I'm affording others the opportunity to be generous and advance their own spiritual growth. (And I couldn't do that and be healthy at the same time BECAUSE...?) Gimme a break. While it was uplifting to hear stories of people contacting their dead loved ones to find peace, the premises in this book seem to parallel Sylvia Browne's. (She's the psychic with the dragonlady fingernails and droopy eyelids that's always on the Montel Williams Show.) I'd never heard of Mr. Van Praagh before seeing this book. I suppose it's easy for both of them to say God has a plan for everyone when they're best-selling authors and no doubt multi-millionaires. Who knows? Some of the stuff he says could be true but the suggestion that you can have seances to develop your own psychic skills sounds dangerous. Your loved ones ain't the only things floating around out there!

Anyway, I'm trying to be optimistic about the scan. Good things always happen to me on April 20th.

I feel fine, except I gained a little weight, from Girl Scout cookies and not taking walks in the winter. I was thinking of taking up swimming again but I always need to have someone with me when I exercise, in case I have an incident of rapid heartbeat.

The church ladies are still feeding us. This Monday, we were just sitting down to dinner when the doorbell rang. It was another church lady! She'd made the food a week too soon so we ended up with two dinners that night! Poor thing, she was so nice. We didn't let on that we were already eating but she called the next day when she realized her mistake. I need to call her back.

My bloodwork's been good. Getting away with two Neupogen shots a week instead of three.

Had a strange impulse to cash in part of my 401(K) and fly off to Rome with Mark for a week. Still thinking on that one. Don't think I'll collect on it so why not? This struck me at midnight a few nights ago. Maybe I should just go to bed earlier! :)

Please pray for good results on my scan Friday morning. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

2007-03-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Not sure what to write.

I'm in a holding pattern right now. My next bone scan is on April 20th. That will determine if I stay on the Gemzar or move on to another drug. I have two options left.

Still having chemo every Monday, so today I laid around. Trying to stay on top of things at work. It's not that my tasks are difficult, it's that I'm still expected to get them done even though I'm gone two days a week. Everyone else at work is busy too so I feel bad putting my work off on them. I am resentful of working on Saturdays because that's time I usually spend with my family. Maybe I'm just crabby today. I always get that way after chemo.

Maybe I should've written when I was in a better mood, like this weekend. This Saturday, instead of going in to work, Mark and I volunteered at the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby. Mark was the M.C. for the races and I ran the concession booth, with my eldest son. I made 144 hotdogs and sold every last one of them! It took me back to my restaurant days and was fun!

Spring has sprung. It's in the mid-seventies as we speak. We all went outside on Sunday to do some spring yardwork. I raked the flowerbeds, Mark turned the compost and dug out the sump pump trench, the kids picked up branches. The birds are starting to nest in two of our three birdhouses. We didn't take them down in winter, as they've grown so high I'm not sure the ladder will reach. I saw chickadees in one and sparrows in another, though the chickadees are sporadic visitors. The birdhouses are kind of beaten up so I think they may be considering a better neighborhood.

For those of you who don't know, Mark was recently diagnosed with diabetes. He's sworn off sweets and real pop and has been following the carb intake prescribed by the nutritionist. He's testing his blood twice a day and it's been within acceptable limits almost all of the time. The doc thinks we can manage this with pills, exercise and the diet modifications. No shots yet.

The church and school ladies continue to bring us food every Monday and Tueday when I'm down. We are thankful.

Other than that, our guppies are having babies at the rate of 20 to 40 a week as we have a group of breeding females and frisky males. If you know anyone who wants some in about a month, please call or email me. This is getting out of hand! :)

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 24 January 2007

2007-01-24T04:14:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I apologize for not posting. Guess I'm never sure anyone is reading these things. A friend mentioned it to me yesterday so here goes.

No new tests but they'll probably nail me by scheduling a doctor's appt when I go in for chemo on Monday. Then she'll schedule the dreaded bone scan to tell if the chemo has been working.

Went to see my second opinion guy this past week. He says I'll have hair for my baby sister's wedding in July. The hair is back but really short. He's talking about putting me in a study for the latest drug when the Gemzar starts to fail.

My past chemo buddy, the "old gentleman" died a couple weeks ago. They said it was more from side effects than the cancer. (He was in his eighties and treatment was hard on him. I hadn't seen him in a few months.) LH the nurse pulled the curtain and gave me some tissues when she told me but I did not cry. This may seem cold but I cry for children with cancer and mothers ripped away from their families. I was saddened by his death because he was a nice guy but no tears came. Maybe that makes me a bad person, who knows? I did not attend his wake. I don't have the energy to devote to that.

The past few weeks have been reruns...sick on Mondays and Tuesdays (nausea, fatigue, chills, headache) better on Wednesday. Give myself shots for the white cells on Weds, Fri & Sat. Those give me headaches and diarrhea. (I'm OK, don't mean to complain, just telling the facts.)

This was the fourth week of the cycle so they went easy on me...just Herceptin. I actually went to work yesterday.

Tax season is gearing up. Hope they don't expect me to work the required 54 hours a week! Not happening. Started getting really busy last week. After two days, I was tense and having pains in places that hadn't hurt in months. Guess I just have to get my mind around it. They won't put any extra money in my check for taking it so seriously.

Celebrated my (belated) 39th birthday with the family this past weekend. Thank God.

Thank you for your continued prayers and good thoughts.

Love,
Jeanette

Sunday, 10 Dec 2006

2006-12-10T06:41:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I had this dream last night. Please tell me what you think. I want to write as many details as possible so please bear with me. After, I welcome your comments as to meaning:

Mark and I were going to a fireworks display near an industrial park. (In reality, we had once done this.) We pulled up and parked the car. Some tall guy was in the backseat. (??) Then I remember being in a crowd of people just waiting around. There were people on both sides of the street but fewer people on my side. I turned around and saw someone who looked like my boss at the first CPA firm I'd worked for. He looked tired and was leaning up against a stop sign. I called out to him but he did not answer. Decided it probably wasn't him. Another guy that looked just like him walked up to stand next to him and talk.

I had knowledge that one of my friends was very sick and probably going to die. I looked around for another friend who was supposed to be there. Couldn't find her so I went back to the industrial park to go look for her.

Found her at the edge of a jungle. The trees were very thick and impassable on both sides but I could see a short path through a break in the dark trees. It led to the the shore of a lake then beyond the lake, I could see two snowy mountains side-by-side in the distance. The lakeshore was scary. On it were all kinds of dangerous animals. The largest and most fierce was an angry lion.

He was unlike any lion I had ever seen. I concentrated on his face. It was black and white. His mane was sharp, like metal spikes. He was furious and snarling. He was so agitated in his anger that he was jumping up and down as he paced near the end of the path. I did not feel any danger where I was standing but I did NOT want to go in there.

"What's in there?" I said to my friend as I looked at the mountains.

"The cure," she said.

"Let's go back," I said, staring at the agitated lion. "Come on."

"I can't," she said. "Our friend needs the cure."

I looked at the impossible journey.

"You can't go in there. We don't have time. We've only got 40 minutes!" I told her.

"I don't care," she said. "I have to try."

Then I woke up.

What do you make of that?

Love,
Jeanette

Sat, 9 Dec 2006

2006-12-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

First of all, let me go back to that conversation with the other Boy Scout mom that I promised to mention.

I am one of four moms in the troop that are fighting breast cancer. One is my friend, as we taught catechism together but I never met the other two. The troop leader's wife is also a survivor. She introduced me to one of the other moms (assistant leader's wife) earlier in the school year and we had a nice conversation. The mom is a bit worse off than me.

We recently heard that one of the moms passed away. I knew it wasn't my friend but wasn't sure if it was the asst leader's wife or the 4th mom I'd never met.

Since I am a badge counselor for the Personal Management badge (it deals with managing your money and investing), a mom called me to set up an appointment for her son to work on the badge. We set a time, then I told her I am fighting cancer and will be wearing a headscarf.

"You may want to mention that to your son," I suggested.

"That's OK. He's used to it. I'm have cancer too," she said.

"Did we meet on the ramp outside the gym earlier this year?" I asked.

"Yes!" she said.

"Oh good!" I said. "When I heard about that mom who died, I wondered."

"Me too," she said. "I thought it was you."

"And I thought it was YOU!"

We laughed about it.

"Well, OK then" I said. "We're both still alive!"

Her husband and I spoke at length the night their son began working on his badge. (BSA rules say that two adults must be present.) They are asking God all the same questions as Mark and me. I told him we probably won't know the answers on this Earth but we can ask Him later.

Gotta go now. The boys are swordfighting with my curtain rods!

Love,
Jeanette

Tuesday, 5 December 2006

2006-12-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Staying home from work today, as I have been every Tuesday after chemo. I'm starting the second month of this type. I get it on Monday and feel tired and nauseous. Tuesday, I am really tired. Usually I get headaches on Monday from the Herceptin but this time, it waited until today.

Got a call from the doctor's office this morning. My stomach always lurches when I see it's them on the caller ID. They only call when something is bad, as I've mentioned before. This time, it was only the white blood cells, thank God. We expect that to happen. They were 2.2 yesterday (normal is between 4.0 and 10.0, I think?) I fix this by taking those Neupogen shots. I was supposed to take two shots this week but now I'll need three. Oh well.

I asked about the other blood test they did yesterday. This one is once a month. Thank God my liver enzymes were normal! I always fear the cancer will spread to the liver. God forbid.
Wow, I didn't even want to write that.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Christmas season. The first family party will be this weekend, on my stepmom's side. I will bring two of my famous appetizers...orange mini-muffins stuffed with turkey & cranberries...also, I'll bring bite-sized round open-faced roast beef sandwiches with cheese, baby sweet pickles and Dijon mayonnaise. I have this awesome hors d'oeuvre cookbook.

I was very happy to get a long e-mail from my oldest (should I say longest-lasting) friend today. We became penpals in the fifth grade, so we've been writing for something like 28 years! Man, time flies! She visited the U.S. to work security for the Atlanta Olympics so we met in person once. She reads the blog so I wanted to give her a nod. :)

Tomorrow I will try to sell some doll clothes at the local grade school's holiday show. I'll take my shot in the morning to get those white cells up.

On the homefront, the church ladies have been bringing us dinner every Monday and the school staff is taking Tuesdays. We are very blessed to live among such fine Christian people.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

PS: Did you know Spellcheck wanted me to replace "penpals" with "pimples"? :)

Sunday, 3 December 2006

2006-12-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Just a short post since it's late. Looking forward to Christmas. Lots of parties and things to do.

We had to postpone Thanksgiving by two days because I had to go to the emergency room that Wednesday. I caught that nasty norovirus. Most healthy people wait it out at home but I recognized that I should get help because I was dehydrated. They pumped me full of fluids (felt more alive after that) and gave me some anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea medicines. Didn't help but luckily I stopped throwing up at 11pm. I thought I was a goner and was just praying for it to stop. I got out of bed at 3am because I was so thirsty and stayed up til 5:30am hoping the apple juice and Gatorade stayed down. It did. I was very happy to be eating solid foods again on Thursday but my stomach was still a bit rough for about three days.

We had Thanksgiving on Saturday. I was sorry the family had to postpone it but was glad they did. It would've been sad to miss it.

Not much else is new. Caught a cold but now it's on the way out.

Call me a germ magnet.

Thanks for your prayers. ( I will write on other topics next time.)

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 17 November 2006

2006-11-17T11:47:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Driving back from our meeting with the Jesuit, I asked what Mark thought.

He said,"That man clearly knows what he's doing."

"How so?"

Mark continued,"Do you remember the first thing he said to you?"

I looked out the car window as we passed dilapidated buildings and abandoned cars. Not the best neighborhood.

I could not think of the priest's exact words.

"He said,"Tell me what's been happening." He focused on you. He didn't spend half an hour talking about himself first," Mark said.

He was right. I received the Catholic sacrament of Anointing of the Sick (again). My hands and forehead were anointed with holy oil after some prescribed prayers.

The priest spoke about filling my house with love to promote healing. If I surround myself with love, he said, I will start to feel better and that is God.

Made sense. We were only there about 15 minutes. I regret that we did not get to spend more time with him.

Regarding how I'm feeling this week, nurse R. called Tuesday and said my white blood cells were really low on Monday, BEFORE the chemo. That office does not have a working blood machine and gets results the next day.

She said I needed to start injecting myself with Neupogen again, 4 days in a row.

"Go get a blood test on Friday to check again,"she said. "If they're still low, we might have to withhold chemo this coming Monday."

She said it like a mother warning her child they might not get dessert! They might have to withhold chemo! Oh, darn. That means I might actually feel GOOD on Tuesday!

I had a fit that she disturbed my week with this cancer crap. Monday is cancer day, I wanted to tell her, don't bug me the rest of the week!

So I've been injecting like a good little girl and went for my blood test at a local branch of the hospital late this morning. I was very nervous, maybe because that's where I found out I had cancer again. Luckily, the technician was skilled and did it quick. Literally walked in and walked out.

Next time I write, I'll tell you about a weird conversation I had with another mother with cancer.

My 20th high school reunion is tomorrow night. That should be interesting. I'm glad to have made it. Had my doubts when the initial planning started months ago.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm feeling pretty much OK.

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 10 November 2006

2006-11-10T03:50:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Sorry about the technical difficulties with the blog. Something about cookies not being activated. Last time I activated some cookies, it was a batch of chocolate chip.

Please accept my thanks for your kind words. Starla, you had an excellent idea. I had already started by writing letters to my future daughters-in-law to be read on their wedding nights. I bought two copies of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger for them. I will continue by writing to my sons for important occasions. (Ladies, the Dr. Laura book is really good. It opened my eyes for sure.)

Speaking of books, I haven't picked up that Shirley MacLaine book again since her friend started dating a space alien!

As for my side effects of the latest chemical change, I have felt tired (but I also had a cold kicking my butt), a little nauseous but not too bad, and got a splitting headache. The effects seem to be waning now.

On the religious front, my favorite deacon has made an appointment for Mark and I to speak to HIS spiritual advisor, an old and learned Jesuit, this afternoon. This should be interesting. I will let you know how it goes.

On the homefront, my sister and I have jumped back into craft show season. We did a local show last weekend. I thought we had a good spot, as we were around the corner from the entrance. Trouble was, they were routing everyone the OTHER way. People arrived at our booth (#170) with full bags and empty wallets! (We are selling doll clothes & accessories for Barbie & Bratz, as well as beaded earrings for humans.) When my website is complete, I will put in a shameless plug. We plan to visit the area's biggest craft show tomorrow. God willing, we will participate next year.

At this moment, I am hugging my wonderful young son who wanted to sit on Mommy's lap while she types. I love him very dearly.

Now I'd better go to work. I'm glad it's Friday.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

2006-11-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

Hi, gang, Mark here, just adding an entry to make sure the Blog is still working. Jeanette will add a new post shortly. Hope all is well for you all.

MK

Tues, 31 October 2006

2006-10-31T18:52:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

I am thankful and happy to have spent another Halloween with my children.

My youngest has decided to donate all of his hard-earned candy to the homeless ministry at our church. Can you believe that?! I am very proud of him.

This past week, I have been thinking of all the memories I will not have with my kids...starting high school, driving, dating, weddings, grandchildren. This past Saturday, I took one back.

I taught my 12 year-old how to drive. We got up early in the morning and drove around the church parking lot for an hour. (He did really well, by the way.) Now he will always remember when Mommy taught him how to drive.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 27 Ocotber 2006

2006-10-27T04:48:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your kind words regarding yesterday's post. I feel a little better about the whole thing.

I will write more later or tomorrow so I'm not late for work.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 26 October 2006

2006-10-26T03:22:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I don't know what to say. I'm still a bundle of nerves and very scared. Every moment I imagine the cancer spreading, now that I know the chemo is not working. I felt fine last week and now I'm having tiny pains in all the places the scan says I should, and even more places than that.

Some dear friends came over last night and brought their pastor with my permission. I had wanted comfort but did not feel comfort. The pastor wanted me to accept Christ as my personal Savior and be "saved". He wanted me to come to his Church instead of the Catholic Church we have been attending for 9 years. I asked if he would pray with me even if I didn't say the (magic) words and he was reluctant. He did it eventually, but I got the impression he still felt I am going to hell.

I had always been taught that God judges us and it seems overly-confident for me to assume that I'm going to Heaven.

The whole thing made me sad and scared me even more.

So now Mark and I will probably call our deacon, who knows a saintly Jesuit he wants us to meet.

This is scary, going back to the other pastor...they believe good works count for nothing. If you don't declare "I am saved" you go to hell?!

The Catholic Church teaches that "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me." This is our catalyst for good works, to see the face of Jesus in children, in the poor and homeless. The Catholic Church teaches that when you stand before God, you want to be able to say "When you were hungry, Lord, I gave you food. When you were thirsty, Lord, I gave you drink."

Heck, we even have a hymn about that!

Of course I have accepted Jesus. I did that in the 8th grade when I received the sacrament of Confirmation. That's where you publicly declare your faith and a bishop anoints you with oil to signify you are a full adult member of the Catholic Church. If you do not feel this in your heart, they don't force you to receive the sacrament.

My dear friends and their pastor left around 10pm, I think, so Mark and I stayed up until midnight discussing religion and these conflicts. (I was cutting fabric for my oldest child's Halloween costume while we talked. I do not waste a single moment.)

I woke up with a headache and I'm a bundle of nerves.

Please continue to pray for me, regardless of your denomination. I believe God listens to all of us.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 24 October 2006

2006-10-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I don't know where to start.

Bad news. The cancer is spreading.

The report said "significant disease progression".

It's in the lumbar spine(every part) , the shoulders, the femurs, the lower back, left rib, sternum. I think that's all the parts.

We will switch to a different chemo in the next couple weeks and pray it gives me more time.

Finally got the courage to ask the doctor how long I have. I needed to know. She said 30% chance of two years.

Wow. I feel like a strong spirit trapped in a deteriorating body.

Please, please, hug your children every single day.

Ask your spouse for forgiveness for when you've been mean.

Get on your knees and thank God for your health.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Mon, 23 Ocotber 2006

2006-10-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I am freaking out! It's 11 am and I need to leave in 15 minutes to get my bone scan results. A million thoughts are going through my head.

First, how did three months pass so fast? Have I done anything significant in those three months? Time is short, I should do something important.

I am second-guessing everything I've done in the past three months. I should have exercised more, drank more green tea, not eaten hamburgers, I don't know.

What if the test is bad? What then?

(Why is this fruit fly buzzing around my head when I'm trying to write!?)

I hate going to the doctor! I have a headache, my gut is messed up, diarrhea, a few dry heaves, the whole bit! What can I hang onto? How can I calm down?

Sigh!

Please pray for me,

Thanks!

Jeanette

Sat, 21 October 2006

2006-10-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

The heart test came back OK. No changes.

Had my bone scan yesterday. Didn't freak out during the test. (It's like lying under a large press but I was able to get my mind around it.) I took a peek at the scan. My spine, shoulder joints, knees and pelvic bones were lit up like a Christmas tree. Bad. Then I thought, how can I move and be in no pain with all that going on?

My theory is that since the bone scan measures activity, and my Neulasta (which stimulate the bone marrow to make white blood cells) was just kicking in from Tuesday, maybe that's it. I did call my nurse to have her warn the radiologist who's reading it. So I will hang onto that thought until I know for sure.

It was a rough week with the bone and muscle pain from the Abraxane but it's getting better.

I had an appt with my second opinion guy on Weds. He says I'm doing well and told me about two patients in my situation who are still alive after several years.

I was quite depressed when I first saw him but he said, "Wouldn't it stink if you lived 20 years but were depressed about dying the whole time?"

He suggested a psychologist that specializes in bereavement counseling to give me some coping mechanisms. So far I've avoided anti-depressants.

Here's a quick story going back to the bone scan.

Dad and I were walking out afterwards. We had made our way through the hospital maze and were almost to the car when something didn't feel right to me.

Suddenly, I stopped right there on the sidewalk and grabbed his arm.

"Oh no!" I said. "I forgot my boobs!"

My poor father was speechless. His eyes were wide with surprise. He didn't know how to respond to that one.

I laughed, "I left them hanging on the back of the door in the scanning room!"

So I had to trek all the way back to the hospital's basement to Nuclear Medicine and tell the girls at the desk what I'd done.

"Excuse me," I said. "I left my boobs in the scanning room."

They saw I was amused and laughed too.

"Well, go get them. We won't stop you!" the girls said.

The male technicians in the hallway had the same expression as Dad, poor things!

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Sun, 15 October 2006

2006-10-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Not looking forward to sleeping tonight. Always have nightmares the night before chemo. Last time I dreamed that a man in a white mask (like Jason of slasher movie fame) came to the front door of my grandma's old house in Detroit. I closed the door and went back into the house. When I walked into the dining room, I saw him standing in the bushes and looking in the window, in between the curtains. His face was just above the window ledge.

"I've come for you!" he said.

Yikes! I was glad to wake up that time!

Let me get philosphical on another subject. Briefly, because it's 10:30pm and I have a heart test tomorrow AM. Turns out they registered me for the wrong type of test last week. A MUGA is where they inject a radioactive substance into your veins and watch it cycle through your heart. I'm having a 2DEcho, which is more like a heart untrasound. Luckily, I caught the mistake and changed the appt.

I am reading "Out on a Limb" by Shirley MacLaine. She's into reincarnation, karma, past lives and channeling of disembodied spirits. I remember seeing the movie on TV years ago.

Some main premises are that we've all lived before and that we keep coming back to work out our issues. If you struggle in this lifetime the next will be easier. (So I'll be Paris Hilton next time, what?)

It also says that if we have challenges in this life, we are atoning for sins of a past life which we are not allowed to remember due to the convenient "veil of forgetfulness". I felt like throwing that book through a window when I read that. I'm sorry. If I was Hitler, I'd really like to know about it!

There are some fundamental flaws in all this. Shirley MacLaine is a wealthy woman. Seems to me she is reassuring herself that she deserves it. All the while, she is having an affair with a married man. Doesn't this mess up her karma?

Furthermore, if the wealthy are being rewarded for good things in past lives, the poor are being punished. How can we justify donating to the poor under these rules? Won't that hinder them from paying their dues? Who are we to prevent their spiritual advancement? I just don't buy it. Seems like a ready-made excuse not to help others and to dismiss poverty as necessary. It's also a good excuse for her to hang onto her own money. After all, she deserves it.

Now, I'm only halfway through so maybe it'll change but some of this is hard to swallow. Then again, the Catholics had been telling me my whole life that if you do something wrong, God punishes you. So what did I do? I'm not crying "why me!" right now. Just asking.

It's interesting how the reincarnation people accept certain things as fact. They are just as certain about their beliefs as we Christians are about the things we believe. We can't both be right.

Maybe we're all just guessing.

Later!
Jeanette

10 October 2006

2006-10-10T05:08:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just a quick post because I'm late for work. I've been scolded again for not posting. My fault.

Yesterday was Herceptin day. Been tired the past week. I hope it's only because the red cells are low.

A week ago last Friday a friend called someplace in MD posing as my sister and gave them a bunch of information about me to pressure me to join a study a week from now! I never called them. So today I'm having lunch with her and will get more pressure.

Had two incidents of rapid heartbeat over the weekend. Once was Saturday afternoon when I decided to go for a walk by myself. Mark had to come get me in his car from a block away because my heart would not stop racing. I didn't want to lie down on someone's lawn and draw attention to myself. (Honey, call 911! I was mowing the lawn and found a body!)

The other incident happened after a heated (and ridiculous) phone argument. Luckily, I was already on the couch so I was able to stop that one by lying vertically. It's not good for Mark and the kids to see this happen.

I have another MUGA heart test on Thursday. Routine to see the effects of Herceptin. Maybe it's the heart that's making me tired. I hope the cancer is not spreading.

Next time I will try to be in a better mood when I write. Today I am resentful about stupid things that drain my energy. I'm losing sleep, getting headaches and stomachaches.

Sorry for the complaints. Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 25 Sept 2006

2006-09-25T04:04:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Can't believe it's chemo day again already. The past few weeks flew by.

I wonder if they'll withhold treatment today, as I have a bad cold. Must've touched the wrong doorknob or something. Lots of people have been sick so I've been careful but I guess I wasn't careful enough. I've been really tired the past couple days as the cold has progressed. Sneezed about a billion times.

It's been really busy, getting back into the swing of the school year. I think we're doing OK, though.

I've been having an annoying little chemo side effect. My fingertips are numb. As if my typing wasn't bad enough! Everything gets proofread twice, as I don't press the letters I want.

Other than that, life is OK for now.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 7 September 2006

2006-09-07T02:50:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

I will try to update the blog more often. I've been doing well.

Had chemo on Tuesday because of the holiday, so today and tomorrow will be bad. Last time, I only needed the painkillers for two days instead of three so I'm hoping for the same this time.

Woke up at 4:30am with a pain above my left knee. (We know there's cancer there so hopefully it's a sign of cancer cells dying!) Couldn't go back to sleep, so decided to blog instead. I'll probably pay for this lack of sleep later in the day. May end up going home from work early. The job is going well otherwise.

The kids started school on Tuesday. Every year, that's an emotional time for me, as I hope against hope to see the next year. October will be three years since diagnosis. Never thought I'd still be here.

The little one said something last night that proved he is wise beyond his years. I had been helping him with his homework while Mark was helping the older one.

I yawned so he said,"Mommy, you're tired. Why don't you go to bed?"

"Because I still have to help your brother with his homework."

"Why don't you ask Daddy to do it? He'd do anything for you."

How cute is that!

I asked why he said that.

He replied,"Because you're his wife. And you have cancer so we should be extra nice to you."

Isn't that sweet?

He'd said something profound a little earlier. I was apologizing to him for something I'd said in anger yesterday. I told him sometimes the chemo makes me angry and I say things I don't mean. (This is true. That Herceptin turns me into a royal b**** every Monday.)

The little one says,"That doesn't seem right."

I ask,"What doesn't seem right?"

"That you have cancer," he says. "It doesn't seem right."

Sigh!

Thank you for our continued prayers.

Jeanette

Monday, 14 August 2006

2006-08-14T04:49:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Wow, it's chemo day AGAIN! Times sure flies. I'm not as nervous as I was last time. I had spent a week before just dreading the day. This time I went back to enjoying each day as it was. I think this is better.

I feel well. Yesterday I went swimming at a nearby indoor pool with my oldest. Actually did a few laps. It reminded me of when I was on the swim team in high school, young and healthy. For most of the laps, I swam halfway across the crowded section of the pool but later I "shared" a lap lane with a high school girl. She was unclear on the concept of sharing as she caught up and swam right into me once. Made me feel old, but I was done anyway. Stopped when I got heart palpitations. Haven't had that in a while. I used to lie down to stop them so I just floated for a second and they were gone. Took that as my signal to sit on the lounge chair for the remainder of the time. I like that pool because I don't have to bother with all that sunscreen.

My 20 year class reunion is coming up. Spoke to a former swimming teammate who got the ball rolling. Now guess who's in charge of the money! Same thing happened when my kids joined Cub Scouts. I kinda feel like I should take care of it since it's right up my alley. That's OK, I don't mind. :)

Gotta go. Will try to post more often. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Saturday, 29 July 2006

2006-07-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just got an e-mail that another acquaintance has died of cancer. She was a teacher, a catechist and involved in the homeless ministry at my church so I suppose if anyone's in Heaven, she is. The last time I saw her, she was limping, like me, from her hip replacement since the breast cancer had returned (after 10 years) and attacked her bones. This one hits close to home.

This was my chemo week. I should feel better in another day or so. Had treatment Tuesday, was OK Wednesday but hurting the past two days. This should be the last day of that.

Had a snafu at the pharmacy on Wednesday when I went to pick up my Neulasta (for white blood cells). I touched the box and it was not cold.

"Um, isn't this supposed to be refrigerated?" I ask the clerk.

He gets this blank look on his face and goes to ask the pharmacist.

Long story short, they call the manufacturer who says it should be OK (it was out for 7 hours) as long as the medicine isn't cloudy. (Right, let's not inject bacterial colonies into our veins!)

When I asked how it was delivered, they said it came with an ice pack. HELLO! :)

They sent me on my way with apologies and I injected on Wednesday night, reluctantly.

Yesterday and today, I've felt like I have a sore throat. Hopefully, when the Neulasta kicks in tomorrow, it'll knock it out.

Had a new side effect this week. Starting on Thursday, it hurt if I blinked my eyes too hard! Now what's that about!? I looked and the rims of my upper and lower eyelids are pink. Looks like I've been hitting the crack pipe!

On another note, tomorrow we celebrate my baby son turning 7 years old. I will be very thankful to see it.

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 14 July 2006

2006-07-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just wanted to pop in to say I feel well and everything is fine. Nothing new on the health front. I've been tired this week but I've been staying up late. Life is short, I don't want to sleep.

In my mind, I've been milling over some things about the emotional side of cancer, like how strange it is to sit every Monday hooked up to an IV bag then go back to my everyday life like nothing happened. Another thing is that I attended the local art festival this past weekend. There were women with spaghetti-strapped tank tops everywhere I turned. I was never so brazen as to let half my assets hang out like that. It was hard to be reminded of what I've lost. A certain softness is gone from me, it seems both emotional and physical, and I don't like it.

Looking in the mirror is really hard. As a teenager, I felt ugly when I really wasn't. I was beautiful in my twenties and now I've come full circle. Sometimes I look at myself and say,"Jeanette, what the HECK happened to you?!" What a mess! No hair, few eyelashes. Can't wear makeup because all the particles go straight into my eyes. The real problem is that inside, we are all still twenty-five. It's hard to watch the outside deteriorate.

I suppose I should be happy to be alive but maybe I'm going through an angry phase right now. I'll probably get over it.

Love,
Jeanette

Friday, 30 June 2006

2006-06-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Went to the hip surgeon for a routine check-up yesterday. Had her assistant get my bone scan results.

Good news.

There are no new areas of cancer, the old areas (spine, ribs, leg, arm) are essentially unchanged and one spot in my shoulder is completely gone.

We had wanted to hear that it was either stable or healing. The surgeon sees this as good. It is better than I had expected.

Remember when I turned off my cell phone the other night? The oncologist called me at 8PM! "This is Dr. T. returning your call. Click.". Called me again yesterday afternoon when I was in a meeting, again no message.

I really don't feel the need to talk to her since I know the results and I'm upset with her for making me wait.

I expect she will keep me on this chemo for the full six months, like the 2nd opinion doc has proposed.

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 28 June 2006

2006-06-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Today I am in hell. Waiting for the results of yesterday's bone scan has been very difficult. They did the scan, made me wait forever then did more films of my ribs. Now I wonder what's going on there! I was in tears when I left, although a nice young lady tech tried to make me feel better.

Called my doctor's office three times today, since the tech had told me they were reading the scan results right away yesterday.

At 4pm, the doc's receptionist said the results were in but the doc had to read them. She gave me various excuses... the doc was 45 minutes late, they were very busy, two people left early. Since I have to see this receptionist every week, I didn't give her a piece of my mind.

I did tell her,"It's very important that the doctor calls me TODAY. I am FREAKING OUT."

I had carried my cell phone with me all day, even to the bathroom. At 7pm, I said screw it and shut off the phone.

This doctor knows how I am. I cannot believe she did this to me.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 27 June 2006

2006-06-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Got back from a vacation to Washington D.C. with the kids on Sunday. Looks like we got outta there just in time, as they have had heavy rain and flooding!

Had another Abraxane chemo treatment yesterday. Feel OK so far, but it's only 9:30AM. Expect the rough parts to hit later today and last a few days.

Have a bone scan today, to tell if the Abraxane is working. Nervous about the pain in my right shoulder.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Sunday, 11 June 2006

2006-06-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Computers are a real bummer. This morning I had typed a lengthy entry, tried to post it and POOF! It was gone! (I cried.)

Now I have to remember what I said. Will try to picture it in my mind:

I have been scolded for not posting in a while. Had Abraxane on Monday. Didn’t want to whine about the pain so I just waited it out. Honestly, it wasn’t as bad as previous times (ie: I didn’t have to go home from work.)

Saw my second opinion guy also on Monday. I had tried to schedule the appt so I would have the results of my next bone scan but it didn’t work out. Oh well. I will see my oncologist tomorrow and she will schedule it in the near future.

Dr. 2 asked what my most prominent side effect from this chemo was, as he has only a handful of patients on it. I said nerve pain. He suggested, as I had known, that anti-seizure medications work for nerve pain. Nope, don’t want anything that might mess with my head. If they keep me on the Abraxane, I might reconsider.

Had to ask Dr. 2 about some “what if” scenarios (since I had no test results). He said if the cancer is smaller or stable, they will continue the Abraxane for six months, then take a baseline bone scan.

Baseline! That implies there will be may more after that! That implies I might have years left! This never occurred to me.

Told him about my clear lung xray last month. He said he does not think it will go to my lungs. This was news to me!

He also mentioned a patient in my situation doing very well. Her pain stopped after starting Abraxane. My doc had given me the impression that we’d try a bunch of drugs but none would work. She never said this might work.

I had prayed for a message of hope. Throw me something, Lord. I felt a little better after talking to Dr. 2.

Now I feel like it didn’t work because I didn’t believe in it. My doc should’ve told me it could work.

I’m also worried because the upper left arm, where we know there’s cancer, hurts a few times a day. Now the right has started to hurt. I am NOT looking forward to this bone scan!

We went to the Komen Race for the Cure on Saturday. I got choked up a couple times seeing how many people this disease has affected. Survivors get to wear bright pink shirts. There seemed to be fewer pink shirts than last year. I hope it’s because the Relay for Life was also going on that day in another town.

I will try to update more often. Please pray for a good upcoming test result. Thanks!

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 30 May 2006

2006-05-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I'm feeling OK, just a little tired. The white cells went back down to a normal level last week. Tomorrow, I should find out this week's number.

Still doing the P.T. I've been a little stiff lately, not sure why. Will see the surgeon for a routine checkup in a few weeks.

I see the oncologist in a couple weeks, to plan the next step. Will do a bone scan in June to see if this chemo has been working.

The nurse suggested splitting the Abraxane into three smaller doses instead of one big one, to lessen side effects. A few months ago, they didn't think they could do that but a recent visit from the drug rep changed that. Makes me think these people are making this up as they go... I decided for now to keep it like it is. I'd rather hurt for a week and be OK for two weeks than feel kinda bad all the time. Maybe if she keeps me on this, I'll reconsider.

On the homefront, I've been sucked into the world of scrapbooking. Sigh! Seems like a good way to get rid of the large Rubbermaid container of photos I've accumulated over the past 12 years. It's been that long since I've put anything into a photo album. Heck, I develop my pictures every three years or so! Gotta get into the digital thing. At least that takes up less space!

That's all for now. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 17 May 2006

2006-05-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Just a quick post before I head out to physical therapy. Those days in the hospital set me back. I just started feeling less stiff yesterday.

Had chemo on Monday...and a single tear escaped.

Felt pretty good yesterday. No pain to speak of. Doing the alternating pain killers again but bumped up to half a Tylenol 3. Didn't get zoned out or anything...

Woke up a few times last night with various shooting pains so I'd better go take something before I start the day.

The kicker was my white blood cell count last week, which they never called me about...
Remember the high end of normal is 14. I was at 48! That's alarmingly high to me but the nurse said not to worry about it since it was artificially induced.

Took a Neulasta shot at the doc's yesterday. That lasts longer than the Neupogen (hence the name) so hopefully I won't have to inject myself this time around. They're making this up as we go. I felt like I didn't belong in the chemo room yesterday morning. I mean, I just got my shot and left for work, but Monday is the day I pay tribute to cancer. The rest of the week is mine. I feel like being there on Tuesday infringed upon my own time.

Sorry for not posting in so long. I felt well last week, though.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Sat, 6 May 2006

2006-05-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Got out of the hospital last night. The doc didn't do his rounds until 5 pm! I told the nurse at 4pm that if he didn't show up soon, we'd have to make other arrangements because I was about to break and run.

Like a football player sizing up the competition, the nurse replied,"I can take you." :)

The nurses and assistants were a trip from the start. When I arrived, I balked at the idea of a hospital gown.

I confronted the African-American assistant and said,"Do I have to wear one of those?"

She handed it to me and said,"Yeah, girl! You ain't at home!"

I was pleased with the level of care the nursing staff provided and will probaably write a letter to their supervisor.

I'm feeling better. No more fever and chills. In the hospital, I was on IV fluids all day and night with an antibiotic drip every 8 hours. Of course they gave me Neupogen shots every day to build the white cells.

On Thursday evening, the nurse came to give me my shot. I told her I'd been doing them at home and started to supervise her process.

"Now, you have to squeeze the skin really hard so the shot doesn't hurt..." I said.

She looked up and said, "You wanna do this?"

I laughed, said no and backed off. She did it with no pain whatsoever. Impressive.

My IV antibiotic was due at 2 AM Friday. The night nurse, who had a very sweet disposition, had assured me that she would sneak in quietly and not disturb me.

I do not sleep well in hospitals or hotels. When she came in, all I saw suddenly was a shadowy figure standing over me. I let out a loud GASP! She was startled and very apologetic. No big deal, I said. Mark does that to me all the time because he comes to bed later than me. Mark said I even yelled, "Daddy!" once. I was 33.

I had a chest X-ray while at the hospital. I was extremely nervous, as the lungs are one place to which breast cancer can spread. The tech took a back shot then a side shot.

As I waited, I heard him say, "Oh, sh**!"

My heart sank.

He came out and said there was a line on the film and he had to retake the shot! He was disgruntled anyway. He was complaining to the other tech about having to go to court but no one would fill in for him. Clearly against hospital policy to be all crabby in front of the patients.

The attending doc later told me the x-ray was clear, free of infection or tumors. I cried like a baby. She was confused, as it was happy news. I told her they were happy tears.

They never did find the source of infection. The infectious disease doc came by at about 6pm Friday.

He looks around and says,"Oh, you're packed."

I explained I was discharged. Talk about being a little late for the party! He did sit down and talked for a few minutes. He said that 90% of the time, they don't find the source of infection but that I'd had a relatively short episode of low white cells. I did mention being bitten by Chewy the Hamster back on April 20th. Since I'd seen no visible signs of infection at the site, he said that was not the cause.

He got up to leave, we shook hands and without looking back he said, "Be nice to your hamster!"

I washed my hands right away. Seemed like a good idea after shaking with the infectious disease specialist. :O

It's 10pm. The boys are finishing up watching a movie. I should go down and see. It's been a full day. The little one had a morning soccer game. (They won.) In the afternoon, one of my walking buddies and three of the kids' buddies helped do spring cleaning. My other walking buddy brought over a delicious lasagna for dinner. I am truly blessed to live among such wonderful people.

Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 04 May 2006

2006-05-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

Mark here, substituting for Jeanette.

We went for a fairly ordinary pair of doctor visits on Wednesday, but it escalated a little bit. Jeanette had been struggling a little after this most recent chemo, with fatigue and joint and muscle pain; by Wednesday morning, she also had alternating chills and hot flashes. Mixed with that, she had fluid behind her eardrum for the last week or so. No fun!

She was scheduled for two appointments, one with the cardio folks for an EKG to make sure the Herceptin isn't affecting her heart too much, and one with our family physician for the ear problem.

The EKG went fine (results in a week) but at the family physician's office, her temperature turned out to be a bit high - over 102. That, combined with her very low White Blood Cell (WBC) count, convinced the doc to recommend a hospital visit starting that night.

As of Thursday morning, the fever is gone and the WBC count is a little higher, but they're going to keep her overnight again tonight just to make sure. They have a target number for the WBCs before they'll discharge her, and it may take a day or two to get there.

The boys are fine, and at school as usual; I'm at work, although I'm only here in body, not spirit.

The docs at the hospital put Jeanette on a specific diet for the duration of her visit, including NO fresh fruits or veggies-- something about how they can carry disease if they aren't cooked. Also, no fresh flowers in her room, for the same reason.

Jeanette's in decent spirits, although it's not in her personality to lay around and do nothing. (I've tried to set an example for her to follow, but she's too much of a busybody.) :)

More as it becomes available. Please continue to send Jeanette your prayers, good karma, happy thoughts, white light, whatever you want to call it. Thanks.

-Mark

Weds, 3 May 2006

2006-05-03T05:05:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Don't know where to start...

Friday, the day on which I thought I'd be feeling better, was the worst. The effects of last Monday's chemo seemed to last longer than the last time. Still had some knee joint pain as late as yesterday.

Staying home from work today. A partner at work suggested I get some rest as I was struggling to stay awake in his office while discussing a tax return. He was nice about it, though.

Met with the oncologist on Monday. I was in tears before she came in because I was reading that story in the local paper about this mother with terminal colon cancer, given 1-2 years to live. It told all the things she did for her children before she died, including individual scrapbooks. It hit home.

I lamented to the oncologist that parents should be exempt from cancer. She agreed, saying that God gave you these children and you'd think He'd want you to take care of them.

As for me, she said things lke "Don't waste time" and "Live each day to the fullest". The kicker was when she said,"Enjoy the time you have left."

"Well, that's optimistic!" I replied.

She backpedaled,"Oh, well, we all should do that..."

I had told a nurse that I'm afraid of the doctor because someday she will tell me I'm going to die. The nurse said she will never say that. Now, she might meet with your FAMILY and tell them...

Nice. Like I would not pick up on that later.

I told the doc I was afraid of her. She asked if I wanted to see her partner instead. I said no because I don't think that will help.

Seeing the doc took a lot out of me. The past few days, I've been dragging. So tired. My limbs feel heavy. I've been having hot flashes and chills. No fever, though, I checked.

It seems like when I lost my hair, other things went with it. I've lost my energy, my optimism and my hope.

The nurse left a message yesterday telling me to inject the Neupogen for white bloood cells every single day for the next SIX days. That's the most ever. Bummer. Guess that chemo wiped out my high count from last week. How low must it be to inject every day? She didn't leave that number in the message.

Today, I have to go for the routine heart test, to determine if the Herceptin is damaging my heart. If so, they'll take me off it for a while. I also have to see my regular doc, as I've had an earache. Every time I move my head, I hear water sloshing. (No jokes, please!) It's not from the shower, I already thought of that. It's inside. A good decongestant will take care of that.

Gotta go. Have to call work and go back to bed.

Please continue to pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 26 April 2006

2006-04-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Took a roadtrip to Pennsylvania with my two walking buddies and our eldest sons this weekend. They're Boy Scouts and they camped at Laurel Caverns. We girls stayed in a nearby hotel. Had lots of fun. Will spare the details so I'll have something to talk about. The hip provided a ready excuse for me not to go cave exploring. Truth is, I have nightmares about enclosed spaces. I have freaked out in the MRI machine more than once. Anyway, my hair was really falling out and getting on my nerves all weekend.

Shaved my head in military style on Sunday night when we got home. My oldest helped. Between crawling around a cave (yikes!) and shaving mom's head, he's the bravest kid I know.

Had trouble looking in the mirror. I felt like I had a beautiful flower garden in full bloom and someone plowed over it with a tractor and destroyed it. I was too sorrowful even for tears. Wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn't come.

Had the Abraxane chemo again on Monday. The nurse has put me on a rotating and overlapping Tylenol and ibuprofen regimen for the pain. It is helping. I hope tomorrow will be the last day, if it goes like the previous time.

Blew a 14 on the white blood cells. No shots this week! Figured I could drink from a sewer with a white count like that but the nurses advised against it. :)

Found out a tenant in our building at work is a survivor of liver cancer. He was given one year to live back in 1998. He didn't know about me until he saw the headwrap. It was uplifting to hear his story.

That's the scoop for now. Please continue to pray for me. I see the doc this coming Monday. No new test results or anything, just a routine checkup but my stomach has been churning all week.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 19 April 2006

2006-04-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Wore my headscarf for the first time today. Mark saw my pirate-like appearance and greeted me with an "Arrrgh, Matey!" I told my oldest that if the kids at school ask questions, just tell them I joined a gang 'cuz the CPA thing wasn't working for me!

The last time I was losing my hair, I put on Guns N Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" and shaved my head. I planned to do it again tonight but I think I want to hang onto my hair a little longer. Wore the scarf just to prevent the mess. I still have about 40% of my original hair.

Went for a walk both last night and tonight. I hope to build up to not needing the cane for it.

Still in physical therapy twice a week. My walking buddy said it's helping.

White cells were low again this week. Injected on Monday, tonight and need to inject on Friday and Sunday. Oh well.

The highlight of my week was the after-tax day party with friends from my last firm. We had some good laughs. For a couple hours, I forgot about my situation and everything seemed perfectly normal.

It's after 10pm so I should get to bed. Took my daily iron pill over half an hour ago, so it's OK to lie down now. (Not sure about that rule, probably to prevent reflux or something gross like that.)

Love,
Your soon-to-be-a-cueball friend,
Jeanette

Sunday, 16 April 2006

2006-04-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Hope everyone had a Happy Easter!

There were a lot of things I'd been meaning to write this week but just haven't.

The hair is starting to fall out. This time is for real. I got off easy with the previous batch of chemo drugs, as the hair just thinned. This time the hair loss is right in schedule. Monday will be exactly two weeks. It's supposed to take 14-21 days. Bummer.

I think I should've been honest with the second opinion doctor when he asked me how I felt about hair loss. I had acted like it was no big deal. It's too late now because the chemicals are in me but I'm really bummed.

Had the office manager at work send out an e-mail so I wouldn't have to answer questions from my new co-workers. It said in a nutshell that I've been in chemo, will lose my hair, but feel fine. I debated about whether to involve a bunch of strangers in my personal business. Not sure if I made the right choice. Too late now.

A friend suggested I get some anti-depressants. It would probably make me happier but I'm apprehensive. Don't feel like jumping off a bridge just yet so I'll pass on them for now.

Was supposed to take three Neupogen shots this past week but only had one left. Took that one and ordered more from the pharmacy. Sent Mark to pick them up two days later but the prescription was not filled! They had to special order them and won't have them til Monday the 17th. Pharmacy never called to say they were out. I won't be filling prescriptions at CVS any more. I hardly go there any way. Better service at Rite Aid. The only reason that prescription is at CVS is that CVS had the shots the first time I needed them, while Rite Aid did not. Can't wait to pull my script from CVS. CVS had screwed up a pre-natal vitamin prescription when I was pregnant years ago. There were two types of vitamins, a huge one and a little one (which I was supposed to take two). They filled the script with the huge ones and said to take two of those! Big mistake! Since the doc had shown me what the little pills looked like, I knew it was a mistake. Can you imagine overdosing on vitamins while pregnant? How many other mistakes have they made?

Wow, didn't mean to get off on a rant there. Sorry.

By the way, that car accident I mentioned before was on the front page of the local paper the following week. Turns out this 80-something guy ran the red light and plowed in to a pickup truck. Six cars were affected in all. Can you believe there were no serious injuries? The old guy got a ticket and the Sec of State will be evaluating if he should continue to drive. I'd call that a great, big NO! :)

Please keep me in your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 11 April 2006

2006-04-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your prayers. The nerve pain subsided on Friday. The back pain was still with me all weekend but at least that was one area only. Got the chiropractor to work on it yesterday.

The tips of my fingers are numb and sometimes tingle. Not too bad yet.

Figure I've got about one more week before the hair goes. It's supposed to fall out 14-21 days after the first treatment. I plan to just wear a headscarf. With summer coming, a wig is too hot. Feels like a raccoon strapped to your head. :)

Just thought I'd let everyone know I'm feeling better.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 6 April 2006

2006-04-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Sorry, but it has not been a good week.

Tuesday seemed filled with death, as I started the day by dreaming Mark had a horrible accident, being crushed between two semis. He was left for dead but was still alive. I dreamed I tried several times to call 911 but could not get through. This inability to reach help is a recurring dream for me.

On the way home from the chiropractor in the early evening, I saw the aftermath of a horrific car accident. One car was crushed like an accordian, an SUV was totally flipped over. Lots of sirens, a fire truck, police and two ambulances. Later, Mark asked if one car was green and I'd said no. His buddy had planned to take that same road. Turns out the guy was only 5 cars behind and saw the accident happen! Bad news when an SUV suddenly goes vertical. Someone had run a red light and several lives were changed forever.

That night, my oldest son observed that one hamster was lying in the exact same spot as the night before. I touched it and it was stiff. Speedy the hamster was no more. We buried her in the backyard.

On Wednesday, I went home from work early. Still had that sore throat, was very tired and was in pain. Visited the chiro again. She confirmed my back was out but I felt it was more than that. Everything hurt and I did not sleep well. I was depressed because I am trying so hard to be a part of the real world, the working world, and maybe it was not meant to be. I just couldn't stay at work, had to lie down.

Looks like this pain is a side effect of the chemo, as listed in the brochure ("muscle and joint pain"). Feels like being stabbed in different places, from my teeth to my knees and everything in between. Didn't sleep well last night either. Even the hip area hurt. It was pretty nasty, so was the back pain. Ibuprofen did not help. Tried that.

Forgot to mention that LH the nurse called yesterday.

"Do you have some good news for me?" I asked. I had told them to call even if my blood counts were good.

"Not really," she said, explaining that the lab never picked up my blood test so it had spoiled. I could either take another one or just go ahead and inject myself three times this week to be safe.

I was so defeated at that point I decided not to get another test. (It would be a two-day delay.) Injected myself last night. Will do it again tomorrow and Sunday.

I accidentally missed my P.T. appointment this morning. Thought it was at 8:30am but I was an hour late! Talked to J the physical therapist, he was understanding. Told him he would not have been able to do much with me anyway.

The pain continued today. Now I feel like a cancer patient. I have been lucky so far as I have tolerated everything they've thrown at me. Hope this is not the beginning of the end. The brochure says the pain should subside in a few days. Personally, I'd rather be nauseous.

At least my sore throat feels better.

The bright spot in my day was having lunch with my friends from my previous firm. The whole gang came out and we met halfway between, as I am working in a different city now. It was nice to see everyone and for that hour I felt no pain. Guess that confirms the Lamaze theory of distraction.

If you pray for me, please pray for rest. Not the permanent kind. :)

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 3 April 2006

2006-04-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

My Dear Friends,

Mark came with me to chemo today, as I was pretty nervous about starting the new drug. I was just reading that it has a good response rate so I'm hoping for the best.

I have a sore throat and cold so I thought the nurses might not chemo me today. They broke out the thermometer as soon as I said I was sick. I didn't have a fever so they said it'd be OK but they left it up to me. I debated but let them do it.

Most of the drugs I've had, with the exception of Adriamycin (aka: The Red Devil), have been clear in the IV bags. Today's concoction looked like skim milk with dish soap bubbles at the top. The nurse was saying the drug had very specific mixing instructions. Shaken not stirred. No, wait, that was James Bond. This was "swirled, not shaken". :)

Had some tingling in my hands after treatment, on the way to lunch. That's a side effect of most of the taxane-type drugs. I'm surprised I haven't had that until now. If it becomes annoying, I'll tell the doctor.

Still not looking forward to losing my hair. Someone had suggested one of those head-shaped ice packs that's supposed to prevent hair loss. Two problems - I didn't research it to go buy one and the nurses hypothesized that it reduces circulation so the drugs might not get where they need to go. Who knows? The hair thinned on that last drug combo anyway. I shouldn't stress about it, as it's too late now. Took out my wig yesterday. The color seems odd, too light or too fake, not exactly sure. Maybe I'm used to dark brown hair now. Not sure if I'll wear the wig. It was scratchy and squeezed my head.

Mentioned to the nurse today that my intestines don't seem to like those Neupogen shots.

"Yes," LH said,"some patients do get diarrhea."

Nice telling me ahead of time! Oh well, it's not horrendous. I am hesitant to read side effect lists anyway, as I fear I might expect them and therefore cause them.

Came home and slept for three hours after treatment. I was overtired. I lie awake at night, thinking too much. I hated wasting the whole afternoon, as life is short, but I couldn't help it. SH the nurse had scolded me for not resting.

"I know you don't like to rest during the day," she said, "but you need to take a short rest when your body is tired."

So much for a "short" rest! Oh well.

Please pray that this skim milk chemo works!

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 28 March 2006

2006-03-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Where do I start?

In treatment yesterday, the nurse gave me a pamphlet detailing the new drug they'll be starting on Monday.

"Wait a minute!" I said, looking at the chick wearing a head covering on the front of the pamphlet. "She doesn't have any hair!"

Looks like I'm gonna be hairless again! Major bummer. Now I'll look sick even though I feel fine. I hate looking like a cancer patient. It scares people and you have to convince them you're not going to drop dead soon.

So I cried.

In the afternoon, I visited the radiation oncologist. Since nothing hurts and, after viewing the x-rays, he deemed me at low risk for fracture, we will not radiate at this time. He does recommend we watch it closely, meaning a scan of some sort every three months.

Stopped upstairs at my other oncologist, the second opinion guy, who's Head of Oncology at that hospital. Just planned to leave him a note or talk to the nurse. The chemo change (Gemzar) my oncologist had discussed with me last week was different than the hairless choice. I was not allowed to have Gemzar and be in radiation at the same time. Since I'm not having radiation, I wanted to ask the Head if he wanted to change his mind back to Gemzar (and keep my hair).

As I sat in the waiting room while the nurse was pulling my file, the Head walked in. He stopped to ask how I was doing, said I looked great and sat down for a minute. I started to explain myself but he said we shouldn't talk in the waiting room. He said he'd have them put me in a room. I was shocked because it usually takes three months to get in to see him. I always make my appointments way in advance. I had just wanted to leave him a note!

In the exam room, he explained various studies that put the hairless choice above the rest. He did ask how I felt about losing my hair. I told him if I can live (for example) three months without hair or five months with it, I'll take the five months. I don't want to make a bad choice based on hair alone.

Now I'm having second thoughts.

S.H the nurse called me today. The white cells are low again...only 1.9. I need to inject myself three times this week. I'd better go take a shot out of the fridge. It hurts less if I let it sit out for a bit (too cold).

I'm really bummed about the hair.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 23 March 2006

2006-03-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Linz scolded me for not updating in a while.

Let's see...had to inject myself three times last week for the white blood cells. No fun but I did it. No major pains so I was happy.

Met with the oncologist on Monday. Got a copy of the bone scan report. She neglected to notice that it also said the area above my left knee, which had shown a spot on the scan a few months ago, now was "significantly more prominent". I had to point this out on the report. Then she got concerned since the femur is a weigh-bearing bone. She doesn't want to radiate every little spot but said she'd contact the radiation oncologist for his opinion. She proposed a new chemo regimen but can't do it the same time as radiation.

I did not hear from her all week. I have started to lose faith in her in general. She's also supposed to call my second opinion doc to see if he agrees with the new drugs she's choosing.

Blew an 11 on my white cells so no shots for me this week. Yaay! I think normal is 4 to 10, or something like that. Last week I was only at 1.7

Saw the surgeon today. She, like the oncologist was not too concerned with my arm breaking, as it is not a weigh-bearing bone. (The arm x-ray showed cancer by the way. No surprise.) I told her about the leg so she x-rayed it. It's not as bad as I thought. Nothing near the hip's condition used to be. I can see a spot on the bone but it does not look eaten away like the hip was. She suggested I talk to the radiation oncologist. No surgery needed yet.

Will see the rad onc on Monday. Should know then if we're radiating the arm, leg or both. (Radiation kills the cancer.) The rad onc had said in the past that he would radiate to relieve pain. Nothing hurts yet, although my oncologist asked me if my arm hurt so many times that it DID start to hurt. Power of suggestion. Felt like slapping her. Wonder if that would hurt? :)

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 15 March 2006

2006-03-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your good wishes.

Got my arm x-rayed this morning like a good little girl. I expected to see some big hole but I didn't see anything weird. I dunno, looked like an arm.

The nurses called. My white cells are low again. Guess I'll call tomorrow. Hope I don't have to drive all the way to their other office, which is far. Maybe they can just call my pharmacy.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Love,
Jeanette