Wednesday, 10 September 2008

My Dear Friends,

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog any more, but if you do, please pray for me today.

Bone scan days are always the hardest. I'm a nervous wreck. The heart test is also today. The second opinion doctor says even if it turns out bad, they have other chemo to give me.

These are my fears:

It will turn out badly.
They'll find it has spread in my spine.
They will need to give me a horrific bone marrow test.
The new chemo will make me very sick every single day.
I'll get all skinny and gross.
The new chemo will not help.
I'm afraid of dying, of being alone because everyone I love is here.
Two people I know have died this past month. I'm afraid of being the third.
I'm afraid of dying a slow and painful death.
I'm afraid of going to hell.

This morning I woke up with a pain in my chest. It has not gone away. Been having a sore lower right back lately and some pains in my ribs. This is probably not psychological, although my mind does not help.

I feel trapped. I just want my life back. I want to live.

I saw my oldest start high school last week, praise God. I just want to live a long and healthly life.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if life is like a play. If we take the part and have to live it without any changes. Was I meant to get cancer from the day I was born? What were my other role choices? Would I have taken this role, of having wonderful friends and a great family, of having great neighbors and a house I like, knowing that I would die young of a terrible disease?

The answer is yes because I love you all.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette