Thursday, 18 October 2007

My Dear Friends,

Not sure why I'm writing. Don't really feel like it.

Started radiation on my left upper arm this week. Two down, twelve to go.

Had surgery to insert a new port yesterday. That area's smarting a bit.

Last week, Mark and I were supposed to spend Weds & Thurs in Frankenmuth to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We spent Weds night there and I asked to go home because I was a few quarts low, literally. I even considered going to the hospital but four different people talked me out of it. Felt better by Friday night.

Found out today that I really screwed up at work by taking last week off for the anniversary, and yesterday, too, for my surgery. (I usually work Weds, Thurs, Friday or try to anyway, when they have work.) They did not say they needed me but now I hear "everybody worked til 10pm". (Extended individual tax returns were due Oct 15th.) This seemed to be the excuse they were looking for to kinda fire me. It's all very strange. They want me to go "per diem" which is what I am anyway, but they want to officially free me up to "write tax returns for another employer if I want", "out of fairness to me" because they have not had much work for me in the past six months. BUT.. I'm supposed to call in on Monday to see if they have any work for me.

I ranted a little more here but erased it all. What's the point?

(I feel like Sayuri in that movie "Memoirs of a Geisha" when she screams "I'm not worthless! I'm not worthless!")

The worst part was that near the end I allowed myself to get teary-eyed in front of a female boss. Big mistake! I had pain in my chest from the surgery, had just returned from today's radiation and this conversation was just too much to take. How embarrassing! I'm shaking my head even now. What a damn shame. Eight years ago I was running the accounting department of a successful multi-million dollar software company and now I can't even keep a part-time job!

If there is a God, he doesn't like me very much.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

My Dear Friends,

Looks like I haven't posted in quite a while. My apologies.

I have been on Navelbine, the next chemo for three weeks so far. It makes me really tired. I am nauseous but it's not as bad as the last chemo. With Gemzar, I was nauseous all day on Monday. With Navelbine, the nausea comes in waves. I get bad heartburn and feel like I'm going to throw up but I swallow some Tums and it goes away for a while. On Tuesday mornings, I still feel like I've been hit by a truck. The rest of the week, I'm fine.

Yesterday, I went to my radiation simulation. Starting next Tuesday, they will be radiating my upper left arm because I'd been having pain there. On my latest bone scan, that was the most active area. It doesn't hurt constantly but mostly when I'm tense. I've been sleeping on it just fine. When I looked back in my medical journal, I first had a pain there on June 30th. Anyway, I will have 14 treatments (every business day, weekends off). I will have to drive across town but I preferred to go to the same guy that treated the chest wall and later, my hip.

One of the techs at the setup said he remembered me.

The doc goes, "Yeah, she's a radiation veteran."

I remembered the other tech from four years ago, as he was quite good-looking. I remember lying on the CAT scan table with tears of embarrassment streaming into my ears because I had to open my shirt after surgery. Bummer. Anyway, he was nice both times. Yesterday, we were talking about tattoos because the setup requires me to get four black dots for placement of the beams.

I said, "If I ever got a real tattoo, the only thing I'd get would be the names of my children."

"Yep, I did that," he said, rolling up his sleeve to show a very colorful electric guitar with the names of his two sons next to it, one on each side. It was good art. I always feel sorry for people with bad tattoos.

The other tech drew on my upper arm with a Sharpie.

"What're you doing? Playing tic-tac-toe?" I asked.

He was marking where the tattoos would go. Tattooed guy came at me with a needle. I didn't feel the first three because of the nerve damage from my breast surgery. The fourth one, right where the old smallpox vaccine went, was different.

"Ow! Hey, I felt that one!"

"Yeah," Tattooed guy said,"That one went in the meat!"

(At least he didn't say fat.)

I was glad that was over. I was also glad that Mark came with me. He's on vacation this week so that was nice of him. Even though he was not allowed in the room with me, I felt glad he was there.

It was weird to sit in the radiation waiting room. That's where I met my friends, aka "The Radiation Chix", three and a half years ago. When you sit in a room with the same people for six weeks, you talk and become friends. We still have lunch once a month, after all this time! It was strange to be there without them.

Yesterday, I also scheduled surgery for next Wednesday to get a new port put it. It has to be done. That nurse is just tearing up my arm every Monday. She digs and digs with that stupid needle. I still hurt from last week and the week before! She's moved on to a third vein, on the inner side of my forearm, after trashing the two in the crook of my elbow. She'll hit the back of my hand next. That's the worst.

Had a little adventure this past weekend. Last week, I was talking to a girl at work who was complaining about her menopausal symptoms. I told her the chemo had fast-forwarded me through all that two years ago. Me and my big mouth.

So Jess and I went Up North on the weekend with my parents. Sunday morning, I got a little surprise! Apparently, a few weeks ago when I was between chemos (two weeks without it), I had popped a stray egg! Thank God Mark and I followed my second opinion guy's advice about being careful. Usually, menopause is a free ticket to go natural but he said I was still young and it could come back. Mark was bummed. :)
Good thing we listened.

So I was Up North at 8AM on a Sunday morning going on a Tampon Quest! I had long since stopped carrying that stuff with me. I ransacked my suitcase hoping for some forgotten supplies to no avail!

Stepmom and I set out in the morning fog in her new car. She white-knuckled it about three miles to the gas station convenience store. On the way, I pointed out a flock of wild turkeys pecking at the roadside but she wouldn't look because she was concentrating on driving. I was happy to find the stuff at the gas station. It was overpriced, but I was stuck.

We passed the same flock of turkeys on the way back. About a half mile later, another turkey ran across the road in long strides right in front of the car! She slowed down in time.

"I bet ya saw that one!" I laughed. "Let's tell the guys we're having turkey for breakfast!"

It joined the rest of the second flock already on the other side of the road.

Stepmom said, "Wouldn't that be funny if I bagged a turkey before your Dad?"

We agreed that the turkeys hide during hunting season so maybe he should stake out US-23 next time!

Anyway, I was glad we'd found supplies. When we got home Sunday night (Mark and the little one has stayed behind for soccer) I told Mark what my body had decided to do. He was surprised and bummed. Tomorrow is our 10th anniversary! Kinda puts a damper on things, y'know?

He said God has a sick sense of humor. :)

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette