Weds, 26 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Took a roadtrip to Pennsylvania with my two walking buddies and our eldest sons this weekend. They're Boy Scouts and they camped at Laurel Caverns. We girls stayed in a nearby hotel. Had lots of fun. Will spare the details so I'll have something to talk about. The hip provided a ready excuse for me not to go cave exploring. Truth is, I have nightmares about enclosed spaces. I have freaked out in the MRI machine more than once. Anyway, my hair was really falling out and getting on my nerves all weekend.

Shaved my head in military style on Sunday night when we got home. My oldest helped. Between crawling around a cave (yikes!) and shaving mom's head, he's the bravest kid I know.

Had trouble looking in the mirror. I felt like I had a beautiful flower garden in full bloom and someone plowed over it with a tractor and destroyed it. I was too sorrowful even for tears. Wanted to cry but the tears just wouldn't come.

Had the Abraxane chemo again on Monday. The nurse has put me on a rotating and overlapping Tylenol and ibuprofen regimen for the pain. It is helping. I hope tomorrow will be the last day, if it goes like the previous time.

Blew a 14 on the white blood cells. No shots this week! Figured I could drink from a sewer with a white count like that but the nurses advised against it. :)

Found out a tenant in our building at work is a survivor of liver cancer. He was given one year to live back in 1998. He didn't know about me until he saw the headwrap. It was uplifting to hear his story.

That's the scoop for now. Please continue to pray for me. I see the doc this coming Monday. No new test results or anything, just a routine checkup but my stomach has been churning all week.

Love,
Jeanette

Weds, 19 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Wore my headscarf for the first time today. Mark saw my pirate-like appearance and greeted me with an "Arrrgh, Matey!" I told my oldest that if the kids at school ask questions, just tell them I joined a gang 'cuz the CPA thing wasn't working for me!

The last time I was losing my hair, I put on Guns N Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" and shaved my head. I planned to do it again tonight but I think I want to hang onto my hair a little longer. Wore the scarf just to prevent the mess. I still have about 40% of my original hair.

Went for a walk both last night and tonight. I hope to build up to not needing the cane for it.

Still in physical therapy twice a week. My walking buddy said it's helping.

White cells were low again this week. Injected on Monday, tonight and need to inject on Friday and Sunday. Oh well.

The highlight of my week was the after-tax day party with friends from my last firm. We had some good laughs. For a couple hours, I forgot about my situation and everything seemed perfectly normal.

It's after 10pm so I should get to bed. Took my daily iron pill over half an hour ago, so it's OK to lie down now. (Not sure about that rule, probably to prevent reflux or something gross like that.)

Love,
Your soon-to-be-a-cueball friend,
Jeanette

Sunday, 16 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Hope everyone had a Happy Easter!

There were a lot of things I'd been meaning to write this week but just haven't.

The hair is starting to fall out. This time is for real. I got off easy with the previous batch of chemo drugs, as the hair just thinned. This time the hair loss is right in schedule. Monday will be exactly two weeks. It's supposed to take 14-21 days. Bummer.

I think I should've been honest with the second opinion doctor when he asked me how I felt about hair loss. I had acted like it was no big deal. It's too late now because the chemicals are in me but I'm really bummed.

Had the office manager at work send out an e-mail so I wouldn't have to answer questions from my new co-workers. It said in a nutshell that I've been in chemo, will lose my hair, but feel fine. I debated about whether to involve a bunch of strangers in my personal business. Not sure if I made the right choice. Too late now.

A friend suggested I get some anti-depressants. It would probably make me happier but I'm apprehensive. Don't feel like jumping off a bridge just yet so I'll pass on them for now.

Was supposed to take three Neupogen shots this past week but only had one left. Took that one and ordered more from the pharmacy. Sent Mark to pick them up two days later but the prescription was not filled! They had to special order them and won't have them til Monday the 17th. Pharmacy never called to say they were out. I won't be filling prescriptions at CVS any more. I hardly go there any way. Better service at Rite Aid. The only reason that prescription is at CVS is that CVS had the shots the first time I needed them, while Rite Aid did not. Can't wait to pull my script from CVS. CVS had screwed up a pre-natal vitamin prescription when I was pregnant years ago. There were two types of vitamins, a huge one and a little one (which I was supposed to take two). They filled the script with the huge ones and said to take two of those! Big mistake! Since the doc had shown me what the little pills looked like, I knew it was a mistake. Can you imagine overdosing on vitamins while pregnant? How many other mistakes have they made?

Wow, didn't mean to get off on a rant there. Sorry.

By the way, that car accident I mentioned before was on the front page of the local paper the following week. Turns out this 80-something guy ran the red light and plowed in to a pickup truck. Six cars were affected in all. Can you believe there were no serious injuries? The old guy got a ticket and the Sec of State will be evaluating if he should continue to drive. I'd call that a great, big NO! :)

Please keep me in your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 11 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your prayers. The nerve pain subsided on Friday. The back pain was still with me all weekend but at least that was one area only. Got the chiropractor to work on it yesterday.

The tips of my fingers are numb and sometimes tingle. Not too bad yet.

Figure I've got about one more week before the hair goes. It's supposed to fall out 14-21 days after the first treatment. I plan to just wear a headscarf. With summer coming, a wig is too hot. Feels like a raccoon strapped to your head. :)

Just thought I'd let everyone know I'm feeling better.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 6 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Sorry, but it has not been a good week.

Tuesday seemed filled with death, as I started the day by dreaming Mark had a horrible accident, being crushed between two semis. He was left for dead but was still alive. I dreamed I tried several times to call 911 but could not get through. This inability to reach help is a recurring dream for me.

On the way home from the chiropractor in the early evening, I saw the aftermath of a horrific car accident. One car was crushed like an accordian, an SUV was totally flipped over. Lots of sirens, a fire truck, police and two ambulances. Later, Mark asked if one car was green and I'd said no. His buddy had planned to take that same road. Turns out the guy was only 5 cars behind and saw the accident happen! Bad news when an SUV suddenly goes vertical. Someone had run a red light and several lives were changed forever.

That night, my oldest son observed that one hamster was lying in the exact same spot as the night before. I touched it and it was stiff. Speedy the hamster was no more. We buried her in the backyard.

On Wednesday, I went home from work early. Still had that sore throat, was very tired and was in pain. Visited the chiro again. She confirmed my back was out but I felt it was more than that. Everything hurt and I did not sleep well. I was depressed because I am trying so hard to be a part of the real world, the working world, and maybe it was not meant to be. I just couldn't stay at work, had to lie down.

Looks like this pain is a side effect of the chemo, as listed in the brochure ("muscle and joint pain"). Feels like being stabbed in different places, from my teeth to my knees and everything in between. Didn't sleep well last night either. Even the hip area hurt. It was pretty nasty, so was the back pain. Ibuprofen did not help. Tried that.

Forgot to mention that LH the nurse called yesterday.

"Do you have some good news for me?" I asked. I had told them to call even if my blood counts were good.

"Not really," she said, explaining that the lab never picked up my blood test so it had spoiled. I could either take another one or just go ahead and inject myself three times this week to be safe.

I was so defeated at that point I decided not to get another test. (It would be a two-day delay.) Injected myself last night. Will do it again tomorrow and Sunday.

I accidentally missed my P.T. appointment this morning. Thought it was at 8:30am but I was an hour late! Talked to J the physical therapist, he was understanding. Told him he would not have been able to do much with me anyway.

The pain continued today. Now I feel like a cancer patient. I have been lucky so far as I have tolerated everything they've thrown at me. Hope this is not the beginning of the end. The brochure says the pain should subside in a few days. Personally, I'd rather be nauseous.

At least my sore throat feels better.

The bright spot in my day was having lunch with my friends from my previous firm. The whole gang came out and we met halfway between, as I am working in a different city now. It was nice to see everyone and for that hour I felt no pain. Guess that confirms the Lamaze theory of distraction.

If you pray for me, please pray for rest. Not the permanent kind. :)

Love,
Jeanette

Monday, 3 April 2006

My Dear Friends,

Mark came with me to chemo today, as I was pretty nervous about starting the new drug. I was just reading that it has a good response rate so I'm hoping for the best.

I have a sore throat and cold so I thought the nurses might not chemo me today. They broke out the thermometer as soon as I said I was sick. I didn't have a fever so they said it'd be OK but they left it up to me. I debated but let them do it.

Most of the drugs I've had, with the exception of Adriamycin (aka: The Red Devil), have been clear in the IV bags. Today's concoction looked like skim milk with dish soap bubbles at the top. The nurse was saying the drug had very specific mixing instructions. Shaken not stirred. No, wait, that was James Bond. This was "swirled, not shaken". :)

Had some tingling in my hands after treatment, on the way to lunch. That's a side effect of most of the taxane-type drugs. I'm surprised I haven't had that until now. If it becomes annoying, I'll tell the doctor.

Still not looking forward to losing my hair. Someone had suggested one of those head-shaped ice packs that's supposed to prevent hair loss. Two problems - I didn't research it to go buy one and the nurses hypothesized that it reduces circulation so the drugs might not get where they need to go. Who knows? The hair thinned on that last drug combo anyway. I shouldn't stress about it, as it's too late now. Took out my wig yesterday. The color seems odd, too light or too fake, not exactly sure. Maybe I'm used to dark brown hair now. Not sure if I'll wear the wig. It was scratchy and squeezed my head.

Mentioned to the nurse today that my intestines don't seem to like those Neupogen shots.

"Yes," LH said,"some patients do get diarrhea."

Nice telling me ahead of time! Oh well, it's not horrendous. I am hesitant to read side effect lists anyway, as I fear I might expect them and therefore cause them.

Came home and slept for three hours after treatment. I was overtired. I lie awake at night, thinking too much. I hated wasting the whole afternoon, as life is short, but I couldn't help it. SH the nurse had scolded me for not resting.

"I know you don't like to rest during the day," she said, "but you need to take a short rest when your body is tired."

So much for a "short" rest! Oh well.

Please pray that this skim milk chemo works!

Love,
Jeanette