Thurs, 16 October 2008
My Dear Friends,
In the past few weeks, I've been worried about my recent blood tests. My liver enzymes are going up. In the past, that meant the cancer was on the move again in the bones. I'm freaking out because I just had a good bone scan last month. The enzymes have been slowly climbing in the past few months and this month they went over the high end of normal. When I asked the nurse what they'd do, she said either watch it or possible CT scan.
I don't know how long I can keep doing this. Every time something goes wrong, I think it's the beginning of the end. Sooner of later this cancer will get me. It doesn't help that it's "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. I can't listen to the radio, turn on the TV or get on the Internet without hearing about cancer.
Somewhere along the line, I lost all positive thoughts. I was always scared and freaked out but I used to occasionally be able to tell myself "I'm not gonna worry about that today". Once I even gave it to God. I wish I could do that again. Worrying about pain and dying are not getting me anywhere. I still feel trapped in my situation, wondering why this happened, and feeling helpless.
I had the nurse's aide fax my results to my second opinion guy. She wants me to make an appointment to see my first oncologist but I'm still afraid of her. I don't ever want to go to her again, I just haven't told them that yet.
Too scared to call the second opinion guy for his thoughts. Been putting it off all week.
I still plan to share with you the "Things I'm Thankful for" journal but don't feel up to it today.
Please pray for me...again!
Love,
Jeanette
In the past few weeks, I've been worried about my recent blood tests. My liver enzymes are going up. In the past, that meant the cancer was on the move again in the bones. I'm freaking out because I just had a good bone scan last month. The enzymes have been slowly climbing in the past few months and this month they went over the high end of normal. When I asked the nurse what they'd do, she said either watch it or possible CT scan.
I don't know how long I can keep doing this. Every time something goes wrong, I think it's the beginning of the end. Sooner of later this cancer will get me. It doesn't help that it's "Breast Cancer Awareness" month. I can't listen to the radio, turn on the TV or get on the Internet without hearing about cancer.
Somewhere along the line, I lost all positive thoughts. I was always scared and freaked out but I used to occasionally be able to tell myself "I'm not gonna worry about that today". Once I even gave it to God. I wish I could do that again. Worrying about pain and dying are not getting me anywhere. I still feel trapped in my situation, wondering why this happened, and feeling helpless.
I had the nurse's aide fax my results to my second opinion guy. She wants me to make an appointment to see my first oncologist but I'm still afraid of her. I don't ever want to go to her again, I just haven't told them that yet.
Too scared to call the second opinion guy for his thoughts. Been putting it off all week.
I still plan to share with you the "Things I'm Thankful for" journal but don't feel up to it today.
Please pray for me...again!
Love,
Jeanette
posted by Mark Kappe @ 5:16 AM
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