Monday, 15 September 2008

My Dear Friends,

I'm still shell shocked from last week.

I did it again, freaked out prematurely. The bone scan was good. It actually showed slight improvement.

Maybe I should freak out in my personal journal instead of on line. I have started an additional journal, writing three things per day that I am thankful for. Maybe I will share that soon.

As for treatment, they will keep me on my current program. Maybe I'll write more later. Had three chemicals today. Kinda chemo'd out right now.

Thank you for your prayers. Sorry for stressing you out.

Love,
Jeanette

Thursday, 11 Sept 2008

My Dear Friends,

Today I am really scared. Will probably get the test results by tomorrow. They only scanned me once. Usually, they'll take a couple more pictures of certain areas like the chest or lower back to get a better idea of what's going on. This time they did not. I assume it was like,"Whoa! Guess we don't need more shots of her!"

Been reading the side effects of Xeloda, my next probable drug. They will probably couple it with Tykerb.

I am so scared. Everyone tells me how brave I am. In truth, I'm a coward. I just want to live. I'm afraid of the pain of dying.

I have pain in my left lower back today. Already put the ice pack on it and took some ibuprofen. Not sure if it's tension or cancer. Maybe both? Still some pain in my ribs on the right lower.

Not sure how much longer I can do this emotionally. I hate when I cry in front of the kids. I should be strong for them.

Looked at my horoscope today, although I don't believe in that stuff. Grasping at straws now. It said to focus on quality of life, be wary and cautious! Nice. That didn't make me fel any better!

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

My Dear Friends,

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog any more, but if you do, please pray for me today.

Bone scan days are always the hardest. I'm a nervous wreck. The heart test is also today. The second opinion doctor says even if it turns out bad, they have other chemo to give me.

These are my fears:

It will turn out badly.
They'll find it has spread in my spine.
They will need to give me a horrific bone marrow test.
The new chemo will make me very sick every single day.
I'll get all skinny and gross.
The new chemo will not help.
I'm afraid of dying, of being alone because everyone I love is here.
Two people I know have died this past month. I'm afraid of being the third.
I'm afraid of dying a slow and painful death.
I'm afraid of going to hell.

This morning I woke up with a pain in my chest. It has not gone away. Been having a sore lower right back lately and some pains in my ribs. This is probably not psychological, although my mind does not help.

I feel trapped. I just want my life back. I want to live.

I saw my oldest start high school last week, praise God. I just want to live a long and healthly life.

Sometimes I wonder, though, if life is like a play. If we take the part and have to live it without any changes. Was I meant to get cancer from the day I was born? What were my other role choices? Would I have taken this role, of having wonderful friends and a great family, of having great neighbors and a house I like, knowing that I would die young of a terrible disease?

The answer is yes because I love you all.

Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette