My Dear Friends,
Happy New Year! In a couple days, I will be 40. Unlike most people, I am very happy to be getting older. Beats the alternative!
Right now, I am very tense, though. My bone scan is coming up. Will probably be this coming week, not sure exactly which day yet.
I've been feeling well. Just getting over a sinus infection. Skipped chemo on Christmas Eve because who wants to feel sick on Christmas Eve? I did go on New year's Eve, though. I have been having a couple twinges of pain in the past two weeks. I hope I didn't screw everything up by skipping a week. Then again, tension makes everything hurt as well.
Last time, I had promised to write about my meeting with the priest. One thing he said disturbed me. He didn't believe that everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen, he said. Personally, I'd like to believe God has a plan for each of us. The priest also seemed to really value suffering. He said I'm sitting on a treasure chest of powerful prayers if I "join my suffering to Christ on the cross". This is a fancy way of rewording the old Catholic adage of "offering it up for your sins".
I mentioned that my main concern is for my children. The priest said they're not mine, they're children of God. I agree they're children of God but beg to differ about the detachment he expects me to feel. He doesn't have kids so I feel he has no idea the love a mother has for a child she bore.
He gave me a tiny crucifix blessed by Pope John Paul II, which is fine. Something tangible to hold onto, I guess.
I wish I could just "give it to God" and relax, riding that wave and knowing He will take care of everything.
Mark and I finally met with a lawyer yesterday to start our wills. Been meaning to do that since FOREVER. I only broke down once, which surprised Mark because he thought I'd be a mess. I started crying when appointing Linz as my secondary medical decision-maker, after Mark. I thought it would be just too hard for my parents, although I trusted they would've done the right thing also.
To most people, making a will is this nebulous, someday thing. For me it's real and now. That's what's upsetting.
I'm still feeling trapped in my situation, and helpless. I did everything in life to avoid getting cancer and it hit me anyway. I expect that freaks other people out, too. If it happened to me, it can hit anyone.
Maybe I should take up meditation.
Work isn't going well, either. I did work a few days in the middle of December but my boss just called yesterday to tell me all my stuff is on a cart because they're giving another guy my desk. While I fully understand he wants to sit in a quieter part of the building, my boss did not mention IF I have another spot! Bummer! She had mentioned sending me on a small audit last week, to which I agreed, but the client never called her back. She claims she's trying to "scare up some work for me".
Had another snafu with Rite-Aid. Tried to renew my Neupogen for white blood cells, which I've been on for like two years. Suddenly they need a "prior authorization" from the insurance company! So someone at a desk get to decide if I stay healthy. They didn't do this in time for my Friday dose so who knows what my white cells will be on Monday? If I get sick, a hospital stay will be like $25,000 instead of shelling out the $2,000 or so for a month's supply. Dummies. :)
Please continue to pray for me that I have health and peace of mind. Know that I ask for God's blessing on my family and friends every night before I go to sleep.
Love,
Jeanette
