Tues, 31 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

I am thankful and happy to have spent another Halloween with my children.

My youngest has decided to donate all of his hard-earned candy to the homeless ministry at our church. Can you believe that?! I am very proud of him.

This past week, I have been thinking of all the memories I will not have with my kids...starting high school, driving, dating, weddings, grandchildren. This past Saturday, I took one back.

I taught my 12 year-old how to drive. We got up early in the morning and drove around the church parking lot for an hour. (He did really well, by the way.) Now he will always remember when Mommy taught him how to drive.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Fri, 27 Ocotber 2006

My Dear Friends,

Thank you for your kind words regarding yesterday's post. I feel a little better about the whole thing.

I will write more later or tomorrow so I'm not late for work.

Love,
Jeanette

Thurs, 26 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

I don't know what to say. I'm still a bundle of nerves and very scared. Every moment I imagine the cancer spreading, now that I know the chemo is not working. I felt fine last week and now I'm having tiny pains in all the places the scan says I should, and even more places than that.

Some dear friends came over last night and brought their pastor with my permission. I had wanted comfort but did not feel comfort. The pastor wanted me to accept Christ as my personal Savior and be "saved". He wanted me to come to his Church instead of the Catholic Church we have been attending for 9 years. I asked if he would pray with me even if I didn't say the (magic) words and he was reluctant. He did it eventually, but I got the impression he still felt I am going to hell.

I had always been taught that God judges us and it seems overly-confident for me to assume that I'm going to Heaven.

The whole thing made me sad and scared me even more.

So now Mark and I will probably call our deacon, who knows a saintly Jesuit he wants us to meet.

This is scary, going back to the other pastor...they believe good works count for nothing. If you don't declare "I am saved" you go to hell?!

The Catholic Church teaches that "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me." This is our catalyst for good works, to see the face of Jesus in children, in the poor and homeless. The Catholic Church teaches that when you stand before God, you want to be able to say "When you were hungry, Lord, I gave you food. When you were thirsty, Lord, I gave you drink."

Heck, we even have a hymn about that!

Of course I have accepted Jesus. I did that in the 8th grade when I received the sacrament of Confirmation. That's where you publicly declare your faith and a bishop anoints you with oil to signify you are a full adult member of the Catholic Church. If you do not feel this in your heart, they don't force you to receive the sacrament.

My dear friends and their pastor left around 10pm, I think, so Mark and I stayed up until midnight discussing religion and these conflicts. (I was cutting fabric for my oldest child's Halloween costume while we talked. I do not waste a single moment.)

I woke up with a headache and I'm a bundle of nerves.

Please continue to pray for me, regardless of your denomination. I believe God listens to all of us.

Love,
Jeanette

Tues, 24 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

I don't know where to start.

Bad news. The cancer is spreading.

The report said "significant disease progression".

It's in the lumbar spine(every part) , the shoulders, the femurs, the lower back, left rib, sternum. I think that's all the parts.

We will switch to a different chemo in the next couple weeks and pray it gives me more time.

Finally got the courage to ask the doctor how long I have. I needed to know. She said 30% chance of two years.

Wow. I feel like a strong spirit trapped in a deteriorating body.

Please, please, hug your children every single day.

Ask your spouse for forgiveness for when you've been mean.

Get on your knees and thank God for your health.

I'm scared. I'm so scared. Please pray for me.

Love,
Jeanette

Mon, 23 Ocotber 2006

My Dear Friends,

I am freaking out! It's 11 am and I need to leave in 15 minutes to get my bone scan results. A million thoughts are going through my head.

First, how did three months pass so fast? Have I done anything significant in those three months? Time is short, I should do something important.

I am second-guessing everything I've done in the past three months. I should have exercised more, drank more green tea, not eaten hamburgers, I don't know.

What if the test is bad? What then?

(Why is this fruit fly buzzing around my head when I'm trying to write!?)

I hate going to the doctor! I have a headache, my gut is messed up, diarrhea, a few dry heaves, the whole bit! What can I hang onto? How can I calm down?

Sigh!

Please pray for me,

Thanks!

Jeanette

Sat, 21 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

The heart test came back OK. No changes.

Had my bone scan yesterday. Didn't freak out during the test. (It's like lying under a large press but I was able to get my mind around it.) I took a peek at the scan. My spine, shoulder joints, knees and pelvic bones were lit up like a Christmas tree. Bad. Then I thought, how can I move and be in no pain with all that going on?

My theory is that since the bone scan measures activity, and my Neulasta (which stimulate the bone marrow to make white blood cells) was just kicking in from Tuesday, maybe that's it. I did call my nurse to have her warn the radiologist who's reading it. So I will hang onto that thought until I know for sure.

It was a rough week with the bone and muscle pain from the Abraxane but it's getting better.

I had an appt with my second opinion guy on Weds. He says I'm doing well and told me about two patients in my situation who are still alive after several years.

I was quite depressed when I first saw him but he said, "Wouldn't it stink if you lived 20 years but were depressed about dying the whole time?"

He suggested a psychologist that specializes in bereavement counseling to give me some coping mechanisms. So far I've avoided anti-depressants.

Here's a quick story going back to the bone scan.

Dad and I were walking out afterwards. We had made our way through the hospital maze and were almost to the car when something didn't feel right to me.

Suddenly, I stopped right there on the sidewalk and grabbed his arm.

"Oh no!" I said. "I forgot my boobs!"

My poor father was speechless. His eyes were wide with surprise. He didn't know how to respond to that one.

I laughed, "I left them hanging on the back of the door in the scanning room!"

So I had to trek all the way back to the hospital's basement to Nuclear Medicine and tell the girls at the desk what I'd done.

"Excuse me," I said. "I left my boobs in the scanning room."

They saw I was amused and laughed too.

"Well, go get them. We won't stop you!" the girls said.

The male technicians in the hallway had the same expression as Dad, poor things!

Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette

Sun, 15 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

Not looking forward to sleeping tonight. Always have nightmares the night before chemo. Last time I dreamed that a man in a white mask (like Jason of slasher movie fame) came to the front door of my grandma's old house in Detroit. I closed the door and went back into the house. When I walked into the dining room, I saw him standing in the bushes and looking in the window, in between the curtains. His face was just above the window ledge.

"I've come for you!" he said.

Yikes! I was glad to wake up that time!

Let me get philosphical on another subject. Briefly, because it's 10:30pm and I have a heart test tomorrow AM. Turns out they registered me for the wrong type of test last week. A MUGA is where they inject a radioactive substance into your veins and watch it cycle through your heart. I'm having a 2DEcho, which is more like a heart untrasound. Luckily, I caught the mistake and changed the appt.

I am reading "Out on a Limb" by Shirley MacLaine. She's into reincarnation, karma, past lives and channeling of disembodied spirits. I remember seeing the movie on TV years ago.

Some main premises are that we've all lived before and that we keep coming back to work out our issues. If you struggle in this lifetime the next will be easier. (So I'll be Paris Hilton next time, what?)

It also says that if we have challenges in this life, we are atoning for sins of a past life which we are not allowed to remember due to the convenient "veil of forgetfulness". I felt like throwing that book through a window when I read that. I'm sorry. If I was Hitler, I'd really like to know about it!

There are some fundamental flaws in all this. Shirley MacLaine is a wealthy woman. Seems to me she is reassuring herself that she deserves it. All the while, she is having an affair with a married man. Doesn't this mess up her karma?

Furthermore, if the wealthy are being rewarded for good things in past lives, the poor are being punished. How can we justify donating to the poor under these rules? Won't that hinder them from paying their dues? Who are we to prevent their spiritual advancement? I just don't buy it. Seems like a ready-made excuse not to help others and to dismiss poverty as necessary. It's also a good excuse for her to hang onto her own money. After all, she deserves it.

Now, I'm only halfway through so maybe it'll change but some of this is hard to swallow. Then again, the Catholics had been telling me my whole life that if you do something wrong, God punishes you. So what did I do? I'm not crying "why me!" right now. Just asking.

It's interesting how the reincarnation people accept certain things as fact. They are just as certain about their beliefs as we Christians are about the things we believe. We can't both be right.

Maybe we're all just guessing.

Later!
Jeanette

10 October 2006

My Dear Friends,

Just a quick post because I'm late for work. I've been scolded again for not posting. My fault.

Yesterday was Herceptin day. Been tired the past week. I hope it's only because the red cells are low.

A week ago last Friday a friend called someplace in MD posing as my sister and gave them a bunch of information about me to pressure me to join a study a week from now! I never called them. So today I'm having lunch with her and will get more pressure.

Had two incidents of rapid heartbeat over the weekend. Once was Saturday afternoon when I decided to go for a walk by myself. Mark had to come get me in his car from a block away because my heart would not stop racing. I didn't want to lie down on someone's lawn and draw attention to myself. (Honey, call 911! I was mowing the lawn and found a body!)

The other incident happened after a heated (and ridiculous) phone argument. Luckily, I was already on the couch so I was able to stop that one by lying vertically. It's not good for Mark and the kids to see this happen.

I have another MUGA heart test on Thursday. Routine to see the effects of Herceptin. Maybe it's the heart that's making me tired. I hope the cancer is not spreading.

Next time I will try to be in a better mood when I write. Today I am resentful about stupid things that drain my energy. I'm losing sleep, getting headaches and stomachaches.

Sorry for the complaints. Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Jeanette